#this is a bit late but probably worth it
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This line is just so silly
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Silly Gale doodle to make me feel better about my art :")
#gale dekarios#gale of waterdeep#bg3 gale#baldur's gate 3#bg3#bg3 fanart#baldur's gate fanart#tee ramble in the tags ->#i spent so much time on that one art piece I've been working on#and i feel like it isn't good#and wasn't worth all the pain and time i spent on it#:(#and i also have been struggling to draw gale lately i feel like i lost my ability to draw again#so in a bit of an art slump#i want to draw but i can't draw how they look in my mind#but!!#i know i probably just need to step away and calm down#let it come back to me#<- ramble over#galemancer#galemance
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Making Incorrect H:SR Quotes Until I Run Out of (hopefully) Original Ideas - Pt. 4 - Nuthin' but Boothill Edition
[Pt. 1] [Pt. 2] [Pt. 3] [Pt. 5] [Pt. 6]
#boothill#honkai star rail#hsr#hsr incorrect quotes#hsr memes#honkai star rail memes#hsr meme#honkai star rail meme#hsr textpost#hsr boothill#boothill hsr#hsr spoilers#hsr 2.2 spoilers#hmmm... don't think it's worth tagging the others in the 9th image. this ain't about them#still unsure abt how to do the alt text for these kinda posts properly but hopefully i'm improving#anyways. don't think i've ever seen heard and typed "cowboy' so many times in one day as i have while making this good lord#i did a bit of digging around and haven't Seen any of these done yet so. here's hoping that's the case!#i'm only ~3/4 of the way through the 2.2 main quest but the need to make these compelled me to put these out Now#i can already tell u that there Will be more of these for Boothill tho bc i'm crazy abt him. probably enough to make another dedicated post#but i'm gonna wait until i'm fully caught up on the plot (and will probably spoil myself for more of his character lore after that as well)#speaking of. i'm gonna go eat mac n' cheese and stay up too late playing through the rest of the main quest#i'm loving it so far. many thoughts head full abt it all but in a good way. hoping for more Boothill moments as we approach the end#he's def not the main character here but he is to Me okay. he is to me. i'm scarfing down every crumb he drops#i'm also suffering from Aventurine withdrawals out here. Argenti mentioning him was Interesting but i need More. Where Is He.#also. was Argenti intentionally not voiced or was it a game issue?? the hell was that. threw me off so hard when i couldn't hear him speak#anyways i'm getting off topic and wasting precious gaming time so i'll be takin' my leave now
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So, fun fact:
John Constantine got a transfusion of some demonic blood to repair his injuries at one point (since the demon needed him healthy to complete a certain task), and it left some lasting effects on his body/soul.
I don’t yet have a single specific plot idea for how to have it contribute to the plot of a DPxDC crossover fic, but i feel like it could absolutely do something.
Like maybe it’s treated similarly to resurrection by Lazarus Water and leaves him a type of unhealthy liminal, but since this is demonic in nature, the corruption’s effects/treatment are way different from Lazarus stuff.
Or maybe it makes him just inhuman enough to fall slightly under the Ghost King’s control, leading to him being dragged into ghostly politics by that.
Or maybe he actually dies and becomes a ghost, but the blood makes him into a sorta half-ghost half-demon entity. Though the soul contracts would likely muddy the water even further with any “dying” stuff…
#dp x dc#dpxdc#dc x dp#dcxdp#danny phantom x dc#danny phantom x dc crossover#dpxdc john constantine#dp x hellblazer#could possibly also make use of the “psychic AIDs” comparison the comic itself made (in issue 9)#but like idk about that because i think it could come across as offensive/in bad taste#even in the original comic the comparison being used with Constantine’s condition felt… a bit off#and that’s with it being a thing from the late 80s that was generally supportive of gay rights and people with AIDs and whatnot#like. that it was probably better when put in comparison to its time#so i suspect bringing it up in a modern work would be worse by virtue of standing out more (even if the treatment is a bit better)#idk. maybe it’d still be doable well with the right care. but i don’t know if it’s worth it.
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You know that headcanon that Peter can’t thermoregulate or has trouble with thermoregulation because Spider?
Which all basically boils down to Peter having more trouble in the colder seasons and he enters a state of lethargy
Right right anyway
How would this headcanon apply to someone who — before Spider — had Cold Sensitivity/Intolerance?
If it’s not fixed like Peter’s eyesight and asthma and becomes worse
Would they just straight up decease if they get cold???
#wisteriavines#worth a penny#it is a headcanon right?#pls correct me if i’m wrong#peter parker#spiderman#spider man#marvel#it’s extremely late but I need answers#I know in the world of fanfiction that the answer can be whatever the hell I want it to be#I mean#dying would probably be a bit too extreme
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by the lighthouse.
dividers
#alright i suppose i should tell what's up lately! im mostly posting this like a mini update or whatever haha#so - since i made that last post on my disappearance i worked endlessly to finish my animation project and thank goodness it's finally over#i had to take a break from trying to be social here and just stay in my own space and i did that by having a smaller side blog to ramble#the project was very... tiring - definitely took out so much energy from me post physically and mentally and i was just frustrated everyday#so i just took my time to be alone with a few close people and i like to think im okay now?#i like to think so - since i was able to deliver a few commission drafts today so i'm relieved that im back to my usual pace#I'll post a few of my doodles here i did during my project just to fill the void haha#i've acquired a minor familial from another video game and i care for him a lot :] idk ill bother to talk abt it here but yeah thats funnn#also indulging a lil bit of t.n.m.n content as of late also thanks to my friend who knows abt it hehe#soo yeah! I don't know if ill be active like the usual but know that i'm doing alright now! hope everyone's doing okay too xoxo#ill probably still stay in my smaller blog for a little longer but will occasionally pop in here!#sooo yaaa#~ art#💚 memoryshipping#also yea i think no.rton only had like. 10 days worth of being the blog brand here until i switched back to the usual guy lmaooo sorry 😔
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clarifying something in regards to my trigun meta, because i’m realizing finally why people get so tetchy with me about it.
tl;dr: can i please talk about canon events of consent violation as an entirely separate conversation from the fandom concept of a ship? i’m talking about what is, not what if.
cw: trigun spoilers, rape, incest. you know the drill.
also, because i made this mistake once before: if you use or interpret this post as some kind of tirade against kv shippers, or get morally righteous about icky fetishists in my notes: fuck off, you do not speak for me, i hate you, and this is exactly why we need to be able to separate analysis and shipping.
moving on.
okay but. people do understand. that rape is not necessarily about attraction or even about sex, right?
when i talk about the scenes i describe as sexual assault in trigun, i’m not saying that it means knives/vash is canon. i’m saying that there’s a deliberate construction to the narrative that makes knives’ violation of his siblings’ consent a driving force of the plot and what eventually screws him over.
i know this is a “yelling in the library and expecting not to be shushed” situation. you can’t take a piss in fandom without someone asking if you have a fetish.
but i really think we can stand to at least not keep putting square pegs in round holes, here.
yes, i know, you tag non-con with a slash too. but i’m not talking about shipping when i talk about knives violating the consent of vash and his sisters. those are two different modes of engaging with consent violation and relationships that involve it.
attraction and desire can be motives behind assault. but it’s not the only or even the most driving motivation. assault — violation of consent — is about power. having and exercising power over another. regardless of that’s to satisfy a personal desire or to force them to comply or just to hurt them.
(this is the same reason that using “pedophilia” as the catch-all it’s currently used as is rather than its actual definition is Fucking Stupid, but i digress)
when i discuss the metaphysical acts i refer to as analogous to rape, i am not saying that knives’ actions and his treatment of vash are driven by attraction (exclusively — that’s a conversation for another post) or that he fuses with his sisters to have an incestuous genocide orgy.
i’m saying that it’s extremely telling how knives treats his siblings, the acts of domination over them and the violation of their consent, their bodily autonomy, and their willpower, when his stated goal is to prevent humans from doing the same.
knives believes in power. that’s the only thing he believes in. and fundamentally, that’s why his attempts to “help” the dependent plants results in far more harm than good, and ultimately in failure.
he doesn’t understand freedom. he understands power. so for plants to be safe, in his eyes, there can be no humans that could hold power over them — the only one with the right to overpower them is him.
in vash’s case, the line blurs — vash is almost a whole, real person to him. he wants his cooperation, wants his company, he does desire him, in one way or another. but if vash won’t listen to him, won’t comply, won’t cede, won’t indulge in power for power’s sake [july incident, trimax] there’s no choice but to overpower him. consume him.
and the other reason i describe these events as assault, as rape — they are not just violations, not just acts of control. they have consequences. knives takes power from his siblings. keeps it, hoards it, so they have no way to challenge him. he literally consumes [trimax] and warps [stampede] his sisters’ bodies and destroys their homes. they cannot go back what they were before he raped them. and neither can vash — knives’ actions, nearly all of them, are designed to isolate vash. to make him terrified of his own body. to keep him from reaching out to humans. to give him nowhere to run but back to knives, knives who will stop hurting him, stop him from being hurt, if he’d just listen.
does knives love his siblings? yes. but when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. and when all you have are knives… well.
shipping is a what if. this is just what is.
#trigun meta#trigun#probably a bit late for this but it’s worth saying regardless#reblogs and replies on for the moment but i will turn them off if people can’t behave#tw rape#tw incest#tw abuse
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Final Girls Just Want to Have Fun
@texas-chainsaw-fanworks
Disability Fan Week, Day 5: Victims
A medium, ~12k word fic about Stretch and Sally finding solace with each other after their similar horrific experiences. Also some Sally/Stretch. Warnings for mentions/ discussions of death, a little bit of post-partum depression, and fairly graphic violence, a little above usual for canon.
The fall out of that one night from hell was devastating. Stretch escaped, and took herself to the hospital quick, where of course, police arrived. She told them the whole story, and they acted like she was hopped up on drugs and talking nonsense until they got calls from folks who had seen smoke from that old amusement park. Then the investigation was on. She got snippets of news from the staff of the hospital, and her friends who came by to check on her. They explained someone had fired off a grenade in the belly of that old minecart ride and the whole thing- closed years ago for safety concerns- came tumbling down. She heard there was another survivor. She prayed to God it was Lefty, mad as she was at that man, though she would have sobbed with unmatched joy if somehow it was LG. But it was neither of them. It was the bastard she slashed in the stomach with the chainsaw- the one who cut her to ribbons as she tried to escape.
Robert Sawyer was his name, apparently. They were the Sawyer family. Three brothers and their Grandpa. She hated that Robert got to live, but at least had the solace of knowing all the rest of his twisted family died. Their crimes were unveiled- a blood trail over two decades long starting back in their hometown of Newt, Texas. Where they had killed Lefty’s nephew and viciously attacked his niece. Just like they did to her and LG. But now it was over. The most notorious serial killers in Texas killed off or put behind bars. She hoped, wherever he was now, Lefty was happy. Or at least at peace, in some way. She hoped she would find peace too.
Years passed. She quit her job at the radio station, and went off to find something else, something real. Her experiences propelled her career in journalism, which should have made her happy. But it felt hollow. LG had always talked about when she finally made it- about how he’d go and get her one of those big ice cream cakes from Dairy Queen to celebrate, and she would joke that he’d have to take up as the DJ, and he’d laugh and try to mimic the way she answered calls, pitching up his voice. She’d tell him it didn’t sound like her, and toss something soft at him, and he’d yelp and they’d laugh.
But she finally made it. And there was no ice cream cake, no lighthearted jabs, no laughter. There was just no more LG. That devastated her more than she realized at first. Of course it hurt, of course it twisted her heart- he was her best friend. But she found herself struggling to get out of bed, struggling to go into public, all twisted up and hurt.
She needed to get past it. She desperately wanted to get past it. It had been two damn years. But she had no idea how to live like this- how to deal with the crushing weight of what she had seen, and the guilt she made for making it out when LG and Lefty were lying dead at the bottom of that cave. She had to find some way out of it. Some way through it. Some way to survive.
Which is why she went to Sally.
She shouldn’t have done it, she really probably shouldn’t have done it and she knew that. But there was no one else in the world who understood the pain in her heart the way that Sally did. Stretch needed that. Closure. Understanding. The guiding hand of someone who’d lived through it all before. She just hoped Sally would be willing to help her with it. She sort of knew she wouldn’t be welcome. Reporters had bothered her before, bothered the whole Enright family, which was how Stretch knew where she lived in the first place. They asked her all sorts of invasive questions, knocked on her door, harassed her daddy about his brother and her momma about her son. She had even seen pictures of Lefty and Franklin’s graves in a news article once. Which was why she was apprehensive. She didn’t want Sally to think she was like that- that she was one of them. But she had become decently well known as a reporter. So there was a chance that was how it would be perceived.
Which was why Stretch was sitting in her car, clenching the steering wheel, looking out at Sally’s house like some kind of creep. She was scared. Scared of being turned away. And scared of what might happen if she wasn’t.
“Oh… Fuck it. Brazos,” she said, slapping her hands against the steering wheel. She got out of the car quickly, and headed up to the door while she still had some bullheaded bravery in her. Then she actually got to the door and felt that bravery cower behind her. Oh God. she thought. C’mon. C’mon. I’ve stood toe to toe with actual serial killers, I can knock on this lady’s door. And she did. She didn’t hear anything immediately, and tried to convince herself Sally wasn’t home- got ready to leave right away. Then she heard movement. She froze, unsure of whether to stay or go or what the hell she might say.
Then Sally opened the door.
“Hello?” Sally asked. Stretch froze up. Sally was a pretty woman- older than she was sure, and she looked it- but she had a nice face, and pretty blonde hair, and kind, beautiful eyes and Stretch felt like absolute shit turning up on her doorstep with all this. “Who are you?”
“I’m- I’m Vanita Brock, or Stretch- you probably heard of me as Stretch, it was my old DJ name when I was a DJ- I’m a reporter now and-”
“Oh, Lord-” Sally started shutting the door. “Please- I don’t want to-”
“Wait! Please- This isn’t about all that- Well I mean- It sort of is but-”
“Would you give it a rest? Please? I’m so sick to death of being asked about Franklin, and my friends, and my uncle and-”
“Please- I- I knew Lefty-” Stretch said. Sally paused.
“What?”
“Your uncle he- I- he used me. Me and my friend, LG. As bait for the Sawyers, and they came, and LG died and I… I didn’t. That’s what I wanted to talk with you about. Not as a reporter just- just as another person who understands.” Sally paused for a moment, holding the door. Stretch held her breath.
“Come in,” she said, finally. “I’ll fix you somethin’ to drink.”
Sally brought her in, and they settled in a cozy set of plush chairs. Sally brought her a glass of sweet tea. Sally had a nice little house. It was cute, and fairly bright, despite having little natural lighting. It smelled nice, like she had lit a candle recently, and there were lots of little sitting places throughout, though no proper dining room table. That was a relief for Stretch, honestly, dining room tables made her too nauseous to eat after her encounter with the Sawyers. She never really considered that she could just choose not to have one. Sally got situated, sitting where she could see all the entrances to the room. Stretch was comforted by that, in an odd way. Comforted in knowing she wasn’t alone at least.
“I’m…” Sally began. “I’m sorry he did that to you. My uncle he- he was a good man, all his life but… What happened to me and my brother just drove him crazy. He just… He just couldn’t live with the guilt,” Sally said, her voice wavering. Stretch didn’t know what to say to that.
“I… The guilt?” she asked.
“He… He convinced me. To invite my brother along, on our fatal trip. Franklin had been upset about us growin’ apart and talked with him about it and Uncle Lefty told me and… That was that. I never blamed him but… He blamed himself. It took us another day to find an old travel wheelchair for Franklin and… And Uncle Lefty couldn’t stop thinking about what would’ve happened if he hadn’t said anything. Couldn’t get it out of his head that if the timing was just a little different we would’ve never bumped into that hitchhiker and… and Franklin and Jerry and Kirk and Pam would all just… be alive,” Sally said. “I’m… I’m sorry for what he did- I- I don’t know how I can make it up to you-”
“No- I- I don’t want that,” Stretch interrupted. “I… I just don’t know how to… How to move on.”
“Move on?”
“After all that happened I… I can’t stop thinking about it. What I’ve seen and… and who I’ve lost and I just… I just miss LG and my old life and my old job and- and I miss Lefty and I miss myself. I- that probably sounds crazy but I just-”
“It doesn’t sound crazy,” Sally said, softly. “Not to me.” They let that sit there, for a moment. “I.. I miss the old Sally too, sometimes,” she said. “But… I can’t get her back. You know? I… I’ve seen too much. Felt too much. I’m just… different.” Stretch looked down at her sweet tea.
“Do you think… Do you really think there’s no going back to the old Sally?”
“No,” she said firmly. “But… that’s alright.”
“How?” Stretch asked. She didn’t mean it so bluntly- didn’t want to be rude, but she couldn’t fathom how Sally could just move on after that.
“I like who I am now. You… You can’t go back. You can’t change what’s happened. But the way I see it, you can waste a whole lot of time tryin’ to, or you can put all that effort into making a future you’re happy with.” Stretch sat on that for a moment.
“I’d… I’d like to. I want to do that but I… I don’t know how the hell to move on. To… Get through all this I just- it’s so much.”
“Yeah,” Sally said. “You can say that again.” Stretch paused, trying to take it in, trying to find some easy solution or hard but simple truth. “You want an easy way out,” she said, with a bluntness to her statement and steely gaze that reminded Stretch so much of Sally’s uncle she thought she might drop the nice cup Sally gave her.
“I… I guess so.”
“Well,” Sally’s expression softened, in a way his never did. She took Stretch’s hand, gently. “I’m sorry, honey, but there’s no way around all this… You’ve just… You’ve got to go through it.”
Sally and Stretch kept in touch, after that. Stretch kept coming over, and they talked. Not about that. Almost never about that. But about their lives, and what they were up to, and the hundreds of methods of healing Sally had tried.
Sally liked yoga, and meditation, and running. She tried to gently desensitize herself to the things that she had to in order to get around- hearing men’s voices when she didn’t expect them, gas stations, roadkill. But otherwise, she just avoided the things that tipped her over the edge. She didn’t have a dining room table, she didn’t wear bracelets, or necklaces, she wouldn’t go to a farm house or watch any movie with a pig in it, and she didn’t eat meat. She also avoided alcohol, as Stretch found out from inviting her for margaritas one too many times, though Stretch didn’t think that was exactly because of the Sawyers.
Stretch often felt like she wasn’t dealing with all of it as well as Sally did. She wasn’t active like Sally. The healthiest thing she did was join Sally for meditation, though she wiggled a fair bit during that, and journaling. Well, if the journaling was helping, like she thought it was, instead of making things harder. She was never really sure. She thought it was helping. Wanted it to be helping. But she didn’t know if it was really just dragging all her pain back up. Her pain still felt raw, just about every day, even three years after the Sawyers were dead and gone. She never felt safe, anymore, kept checking behind her in the reflections on windows, always sitting with her back to the wall, scanning every new person who came into wherever she was. Still panicking when she saw blue trucks. Smelled any kind of fuel. Met somebody with buck teeth. Of course Sally had her things too- even sixteen years after the Sawyers were out of her life. But she had far less of them than Stretch, and handled it all with grace. There was just something graceful about her. And strong too. Admirable. Stretch wished she was more like her. Less scared of every shadow, ever corner, every loud voice. Wished she dealt with her pain- at the loss of a best friend only- more like Sally managed to deal with losing her boyfriend, and her best friends, and her brother, and her uncle, years later. Wished that the day the two of them went to the state fair, feeling a little more comfortable knowing they had each other’s backs, she hadn’t broken down sobbing when she saw a pair of kids making a fry house.
Sally took her aside, helping her find a bench and a corner to hide in, where they were back away from the crowd, where they didn’t feel like they had to keep scanning the faces for someone horribly familiar.
“Stretch? Are you okay?” Sally asked. “Just breathe, honey,” Sally said. “Just breathe.” Stretch hiccuped and coughed, snot running down her face. “What happened, honey?” Sally asked, in that soft voice of hers. “Are you okay, Nita?” Stretch tried to control her breathing again.
“I- I just- I saw- there were some kids- makin’ a- a little house out of french fries,” she said. “It wasn’t- that wasn’t- my friend LG did that. He did that and- and I’ve never seen somebody else do it- and I just- I thought of him- and when I think of him I can’t think of him happy anymore I just- I just hear his voice after they got him, and see his peeled off face- I can feel it- I can feel it on me, Sally-” Sally put a hand to her face.
“You’re okay, Nita,” she said softly. “You’re here with me right now. There’s nothin’ on your face. See?” She rubbed a gentle circle on her cheek with her soft hand. “You’re here with me.” Stretch nodded. “I want to hear you say it.”
“I’m here with you.”
“Where are we?”
“We’re- we’re-” Stretch had done that one before. “We’re in Dallas, Texas, at the big state fair. It’s 1989- September the 14th, 1989. And… And we’re okay. We’re safe. And.. and everything’s under control.” Stretch’s breathing was calming down, but there were still tears in her eyes. Sally nodded. Then she gave Stretch her hand to hold.
“From the top, Nita. You can squeeze my hand.”
“I don’t wanna hurt you-”
“You’re not gonna.” She squeezed her hand.
“My… My name is Vanita ‘Stretch’ Brock. It’s September the 14th, 1989. And.. I am… I am thirty-two years old. I’m at the big state fair in Dallas, Texas. And I’m.. I’m safe.” Sally nodded. Stretch didn’t feel good by a long shot- she felt like she had roadrash on her soul, and some kind of emotional grime she could just never let go of. But she was oriented, again, in that moment there, could smell the popcorn and funnel cake instead of blood and rot and burning flesh. Sally was watching her face, trying to read her expression, no doubt. She sighed, heavily. “God. Sorry to fuck up such a good day-”
“It’s alright-”
“I’m sure you’re gettin’ tired of me-”
“No,” Sally said, sharply. “Never.” Stretch couldn’t help but to believe her.
In another year, Sally was married. Stretch didn’t really know the guy all that well, but he seemed fine- just generic. Stretch had no interest in any of that. She was focused firmly on her career. Though, unfortunately, her career was exactly what got her into trouble.
She wasn’t even told about it. Just heard through the grapevine that the issues had been resolved with land rights or whatever, and the police department had finally started to excavate Texas Battleland.
She stayed away from it for the first few days. She heard stories about it, about how the men on the job couldn’t believe how many bodies they were digging up, that the county had to bring in a bunch of new coroners to work just on that case, to keep the official county coroner from getting too backed up.
Then she heard, from Mrs. McPeters, his mother, that they finally found LG. She was invited to his funeral. It was going to be a small service, just family, done all very quietly so the press wouldn’t show. Mrs. McPeters told her over the phone she was invited because she was as good as family. LG told his Mama all about her, and she always thought she would be her daughter-in-law someday. Stretch was just glad Mrs. McPeters couldn’t see her sobbing through the phone. She agreed to come. Of course she agreed to come. She asked if she could bring her best friend along, just for support, and sweet old Mrs. McPeters said yes. She called Sally up about it, sobbing, and she promised to take the day off of work and come with her.
The day of LG’s funeral was a hard one. Stretch had gotten better at keeping those thorny memories from catching her and driving her crazy with fear, but it wasn’t the fear that worried her. It was the sadness. At least, at a funeral, it was okay to cry.
She managed, for most of the funeral- it was a quick service, the McPeters didn’t have much money. The funeral was just the basics, a casket and a headstone paid for by the state, as a quick apology for the deaths their ineptitude caused, and an attempt not to get sued for even more. But when the ceremony leader asked if she was his widow, she broke down and sobbed. She stayed strong, as long as she could, making it through the rest of the funeral through tears, breaking down properly in the bathroom of the funeral home after the service. She felt like she would never stop crying, and as soon as her sobs died down she thought of something else to cry about. She thought about why it was a closed casket. She thought about how likely it was she would’ve died in his stead if he hadn’t come by, just trying to bring her coffees. She thought about how his face over hers, his hat on her head. She thought about how he used his last moments to save her. How he might not have even heard her tell him she loved him. And she cried until finally she just couldn’t cry anymore.
Sally was there, patient and put together, when Stretch was finally able to leave. She had tissues in her purse, and a little makeup wipe. She drove Stretch home as she whipped her face and cleaned the smudged, wet mascara from her cheeks. Stretch didn’t say much, didn’t have the energy to, but Sally didn’t press her. She just turned on the radio, to a soft jazz station she liked, that didn’t remind Stretch too much of her old radio job, and drove.
Stretch wondered, for a minute, if she should’ve married LG. If she would’ve married him eventually, like everybody thought. She did love him. And he loved her. Though she wasn’t sure they really loved each other the same way. And she could never imagine being all wifey, or having a bunch of kids. She didn’t hate the idea of kids all together, she just wasn’t so sure about the pregnancy part, or having kids of her own. She was happy just having kids in the family. But maybe LG would’ve been happy with that too. She didn’t know. She just really didn’t know.
They settled in, in Stretch’s little apartment for a moment. Just trying to decompress, both checking in on each other. Stretch really thought she would be the only one breaking down- thought of herself as the weaker one between the two of them. But when she came back into the living room, after getting up to get herself and Sally some sweet tea, she saw something that surprised her. Sally was quietly drying her tears with one of those tissues. Polite, and somewhat under control, but still it was clear she was crying. Stretch sat close on the loveseat with her.
“Sal?” she said, softly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m… I’m fine I just…” She paused a moment. “We… We never got anything to burry, you know?”
“Huh?”
“Their graves. My brother’s and my uncle’s they’re just… empty. Headstones is all it is. Their bodies are just gone. God only knows where Franklin is and… Uncle Lefty’s down there in that chasm of lost souls somewhere. I just… I… I hope they’re at peace, you know? Just… Wrapped up in God’s heavenly love instead of stuck somewhere down in that hole…” Her lip wobbled, and the tears started to build up heavy in her pretty green eyes. “I just… Don’t know.” Stretch comforted her, hugging her tight, and stayed with her till she was ready to leave. But after that conversation, she had made up her mind. Even if she may have made it up foolishly.
People were allowed to try and identify loved ones at the excavation site. Every time a new body was drug up with some part of its face intact, dozens of grief stricken people surrounded the body as the crew tried to wheel it away to take it to the coroner, to determine cause of death and to try to confirm the identity. About fifty people had been identified by their loved ones- bodies kept in disturbingly decent shape sometimes, and noting but worm food in other cases.
For the next three weeks, after work, Stretch joined them. She brought with her a news article- the headline of a cowboy chasing chainsaws she kept all those years. And she fought her way through the crowd, to get a look at those mangled bodies, to see if maybe she could find him there, and give Sally her peace.
It was gruesome, awful work. She felt bad for the crew who had to dig them up, and worse for the people who didn’t even know if their loved ones were actually among the bodies down in there- who were just praying to finally have closure in a missing person case.
Stretch worried, all the time, that she wouldn’t be there when they found him. Or that the grenade would have rendered him unrecognizable, to the point even the coroner would never know who he was. But she kept looking, when she could anyways.
On the fifth day, she thought she saw him. Half a body was drug up- from deep in the ground they said. The corpse was mangled to the point that facial features didn’t help much, but the way it was torn looked like damage from a grenade to Stretch. And etched into her mind forever were the corpse’s bright blue eyes, wide and fearful, and somehow preserved. Most of the bodies didn’t have eyes. She took that as a sign- it had to mean something- it had to be him. But, at the coroner’s office, it was determined to have been a woman, and the eyes were taxidermy marbles. Seems the Sawyers had used her body as some kind of grisly decoration. Stretch wasn’t sure she would ever unsee that woman’s corpse, or overcome her fear of ending up just like her. But regardless, she pressed on.
The next false positive was in the middle of the second week. When they took up a body from one of the lower levels- the dining room of death, as the excavation crew called it- and the word ‘shrapnel’ echoed through the crowd of mourners like a ripple. Everybody knew the killers died to a grenade- quite likely to shrapnel. But Stretch knew Lefty had too. Or at least, she hoped he had. Nobody jumped forward to see that one as much as Stretch did, as it was carted past. She got a really good look at it. It was a man’s body, that she was fairly certain of- she was getting good at telling bodies apart. The size wasn’t too far off, he was a bit thin, but decomposition could’ve done that. His spine was severed- his torso and hips still attached by some kind of mummified tissue but nothing more. He looked like he was crushed. His skull and ribcage were flattened. It probably would’ve been quick. Maybe even painless. His body still wore the tattered remains of a suit- though it was covered in dirty and rot to the point she couldn’t tell what color it had been. The thing that finally clicked in her head, however, the damndest thing- was the pair of somehow almost perfectly preserved shoes. She stepped back into the crowd, away from her would-be killer, once again disgusted by the visage of Grandpa Sawyer.
There was nothing of note on the third week. No bodies that seemed more or less Lefty than any of the others. He should’ve been there- he should’ve died somewhere near the dining room, if his death happened how she thought of it. But she hadn’t been there. And she didn’t know.
Stretch always assumed he went down fighting. That one of the Sawyers pulled the pin on the grenade because of him- and he died to that. Maybe painful, but definitely quick. He didn’t suffer. It was a blaze of glory.
But she didn’t actually know that.
She saw a corpse dragged out, a body people sobbed as they tried to compare it to their loved ones, that sent a chill down her spine. It was the naked body of a man, face hard to recognize but contorted in pain nonetheless. His legs were mangled- broken. And there were chunks torn out of his neck, and his torso. Stretch wanted, desperately, to believe it was from decay. But she couldn’t shake the idea in her head that they were bites.
She started to wonder what really happened. If they overwhelmed him. If the grenade didn’t kill him, if the cave in didn’t kill him, and he died of thirst, trapped down there with his body broken for days. Waiting for help. Thinking, maybe, that help might come. Maybe the blast didn’t kill all the Sawyers immediately either. Maybe it trapped them all together. Maybe they tortured him, while waiting to die. Maybe they ate him. Stretch worried herself so much over it all that she had to run to one of the trash cans around the site and vomit.
She nearly jumped out of her skin when someone put their hand on her back. She whipped around, nearly slapping the other woman in the face, before realizing it was Sally.
“Stretch?” she said, softly.
“Sally? I- I’m sorry- I almost-”
“What are you doin’ out here?” Sally asked. Stretch felt almost guilty. Definitely caught.
“I was… I’m just…” She bit the bullet and told the truth. “Lookin’ for Lefty.” Sally looked like she was about to cry. “I wanted to bring him home for you- didn’t want him lost-”
“You’re sweet, Nita, but you don’t have to do this-”
“I don’t want him left behind, and I don’t want you to have to do this- You’ve been through so much-”
“So have you!” Sally said. “You went through so much because of that crazy man-”
“I know but-”
“Stretch- there’s- you don’t-” Sally paused. “I don’t want this makin’ things worse for you. I don’t want you comin’ back here. Promise me you won’t.”
“I-” Stretch paused. “If you promise me you won’t either, then I will.”
“I promise,” Sally said. Stretch took a deep breath.
“I promise too, then.” She paused. “I just… How do you know you’ll get him back? Is it just… faith?” Sally smiled, sort of, then.
“A little bit of faith,” she said. “And a little bit of luck. He blew out his knee real bad when I was a kid, had to have surgery… They’ll know it’s him. He’s got three metal pins in his right knee. I’m sure they’ll know it’s him.”
Another two years went by. They didn’t find Lefty. But Sally and Stretch both avoided the hunt around the pit. By that point, all the bodies had been excavated. It was just a matter of identifying them. Sally divorced her first, forgettable husband, and remarried, some other man Stretch cared very little about. Though this one, at least, she remembered the name of, if only because Greg gave Sally her very first child. Sally and Stretch and Greg were all over the moon excited. Stretch and Greg were there at her every beck and call, one of them always around to make sure Sally was alright and had rides to doctor’s appointments and whatever food she happened to be craving. Sally was worried she would get fat, from all their attention, but Stretch kept reminding her she was eating for two, and told her if she got fat, nobody had any right to judge her, after everything she had been through. She was older, to be pregnant, so the doctors were diligent, checking in on the new little one constantly, especially with her family history of birth defects. But everything was right as rain. Until they found out the sex of the baby she was having.
Stretch wasn’t at that appointment with her, it was Greg, but she found out soon afterwards when Greg called her up about Sally, saying she had locked herself in the bathroom, and wouldn’t stop crying. Stretch came over quick, a little pissed at Greg for not helping his own pregnant wife before she got there. She parked like an asshole and ran to the door.
“Oh! Vanita, I’m so glad to see you-”
“Where is she?”
“Guest bathroom,” said Greg. “I just- I tried to help her but she won’t let me in. I think… I think it’s got to have somethin’ to do with the chainsaw killin’s, I just don’t know what.” Oh. That’s why he called me.
“I’ll talk to her.” Stretch came to the door. She could still hear Sally crying inside. She knocked, softly. “Sal?” she called. “It’s me. It’s Nita.” She heard the sobbing subside, for just a moment. “Are you alright? Can I come in?” She heard the door lock click. She came inside, and closed and locked the door back again. Sally was sitting on the toilet lid, snot and tears running down her face. Stretch got some toilet paper for her to wipe her nose on, which she did, as Stretch sat down across from her on the rim of the tub. “What’s goin’ on, darlin’?” Sally tried to calm herself down.
“I’m- I’m- the doctors told me I’m havin’ a boy.” Stretch tried to think of why that would be a problem- what about that could catch on those thorny memories of the Sawyers. She supposed they were all brothers.
“That’s gonna be alright. He’ll be a sweet boy. A kind boy, I’m sure. Like.. Like Uncle Franklin-” That was the wrong thing to say, apparently, as Sally broke down crying harder then.
“That’s the problem! That’s the problem!” Stretch was confused.
“Are- are you worried he’ll be sick like Franklin was?” Stretch asked. She had no idea what spinal issue Franklin had exactly, or if it was common in Hardesty men- she also wasn’t sure if whatever made Lefty so unstable was an actual condition, and if it was, if that was genetic too.
“I don’t know what to name him.” Stretch was just getting more questions.
“You don’t… You don’t know what to name him?”
“If I was having a little girl, that would be easy- her name would be Pamela, but- but I’ve lost so many men I just- there’s my friend Kirk, and my old boyfriend Jerry, and there’s my own brother, Franklin, who died instead of me, and my uncle, Boude, who died to avenge me and I- I just- I just don’t know-” Stretch felt a sudden flare of genuine, intense anger.
“Sally Ann, you listen to me,” she said. Sally looked up, a little bit surprised. “Your life is not a mausoleum! You don’t have to name that baby after any of them! Not even your brother, or your uncle.”
“It’s- it’s important- for the family-”
“Do you think Lefty would want you doin’ all this, and cryin’ about this? Do you think Franklin would? I knew Lefty, at least for a little while, and I don’t think he would. And from what you’ve told me of Franklin, I don’t think he would either! I think they would be overjoyed to hold their little nephew, or great-nephew, no matter what you called him. You… You don’t have to do all that. You’re drivin’ yourself crazy over absolutely nothin’,” Stretch said. “You name that baby whatever you want and I’m sure your friends and family will smile down on him just the same.” She didn’t quite smile, but peace returned to Sally’s face, and that was enough. “And if any of your living relatives have somethin’ rude to say about it, tell ‘em they can take it up with me.”
“And me,” Greg said from the other side of the door.
“And Greg.” Sally laughed a little then. She stood up, and she and Stretch hugged tight, Sally just holding on to her for a moment, comfortable there in her arms.
“Thank you, Nita. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
His name was Andrew. Stretch loved him like he was her own son, and he loved his Auntie Nita too. There was a certain undeniable resemblance, and the boy was left-handed too, so his grandparents often called him by his great-uncle’s nickname, but Stretch just called him Andy. She wasn’t sure she would ever stop looking over her shoulders, or jumping at loud sudden noises, but as he was born she kicked some of the bad habits she had picked up, like drinking to deal with the emotional overwhelm, and her avoidance of places with big crowds and a lot of noises, like grocery stores. When it came to taking care of little Andy, she felt a lot more fearless. And, of course, she found, with repeated exposure to some of those details that triggered her fight or flight response and sent her spiraling, eventually they lost the bite they had- some of them fading out altogether. It was nice, when he was four, or so, to be able to drive little Andy around and play for him the songs that she and LG used to love. It was nice to find the Sawyers hadn’t taken everything away from her.
Little Andy was four when he found out he was going to be a big brother. He seemed pretty alright with that. Stretch didn’t have any siblings of her own, so she didn’t quite know the feeling, but Andy seemed to just regard the bump in his Momma’s belly as a potential new playmate. Though he was rather impatient, wanting his new little sibling to come out and play right away.
Sally had some unusual cravings that time around- cravings that made her scared, made her worried about the way that baby in her belly would turn out. After being vegan for over twenty years, Sally had a hankering for red meat. For the first few months, she fought it like hell- refusing to eat even something easier, like chicken, or fish. But eventually Greg convinced her it was alright to give the baby what it wanted- and she agreed to eat one, single steak. She refused to let somebody at a restaurant cook it, but couldn’t stand to cook it herself, so she had Greg make it at home, with Stretch there for moral support. Then, finally, Sally took a bite. And tears welled up in her eyes.
“Sal? Sally? Are you alright?”
“What’s wrong, Momma?”
“Honey?”
“I- I- I just-” Sally began, shaking a little. “I don’t know why my baby wants this. I just… I just don’t know-”
“It’s alright, honey,” Stretch said. “It’s probably just the protein, or the calories.”
“Besides, you know we all eat meat,” Greg said. “And we’re all alright.” Sally nodded, slowly.
“Maybe it wants meat ‘cause it’s gonna be a velociraptor,” Andy said, softly.
“Andy, hun, I don’t think that’s it.”
Sally got excited again when she found out it was the little girl she always wanted. Of course, everybody loved Andy, and Stretch didn’t doubt for a second that her dear friend would still love him just as much as she always had. But there was a different set of expectations and hopes with a girl, and in Stretch’s mind at least, seeing that baby girl and her big brother grow up happy, without a care in the world or a cannibal in the house across the field was kind of like a do over, for Sally. Ever since she found out she was having a girl, Sally was walking on air.
Until came the day that little Julia was born.
Stretch was in the waiting room, with little Andy, waiting on some news, when she heard Sally start to wail. And she knew, immediately, something was really wrong. She took little Andy’s hand and barged into that room before anybody could stop her.
“Sally? Honey? She’s okay- look- she’s okay-” Greg said, holding their newborn daughter.
“It just don’t end- it just never ends-” Stretch came quick to her side.
“Sally?”
“I don’t know why this happened- I- I don’t know-” Stretch went quick, to the baby, expecting something wrong with her- expecting, maybe, something wrong with her spine, or maybe something unusual about her face- but little Julia looked absolutely average to Stretch. As much as she would never admit it to Sally, newborns always sort of looked like wet hairless squirrels in her mind, and Julia was much the same. She was born with a little tuft of hair, dark and curly, that would probably be similar to Greg’s, or her Uncle Franklin’s. She had a short button nose. Big green eyes, like Momma, when she opened them. And bright red- healthy cheeks.
Or at least one of ‘em.
She turned her little head and Stretch abruptly realized the problem. Sally’s little girl had dark hair, and green eyes, and a big red birthmark right on her little cheek. Which, though Stretch had never even seen pictures of him, sounded a hell of a lot like that goddamn hitchhiker as Sally described him. Stretch looked up at the sky, mad as hell at whoever up there had such a bent sense of humor. She let Greg hold the baby, and went to Sally’s side, pulling up a hospital chair.
“Sally? Sal?”
“This ain’t fair. This just ain’t fair,” she said softly, shaking her head so slow it was barely perceivable. “He… My uncle died to make sure this was over but.. But it just… It just don’t ever end.” Stretch swallowed, heavily.
“Sally…” she began. She thought of what she knew of her friend, of how she help her see what she saw- a healthy, cute little baby girl. “I’m sorry this has to be so hard for you,” she said softly. “I… I wish right now you could just be happy, and excited like.. Like before. But… Though it’s a hard one I think… I think this might be a blessin’ in disguise.” Sally paused, looking up at her, with a pained expression, covered in sweat.
“How?” she asked, softly. “Just… How?”
“It’s one more little way they’re just… gettin’ removed, you know? Taken right off this Earth. From… From here on out- even somethin’ like that- even somethin’ so… unusual. Ain’t gonna be theirs anymore. There’ll come a day when you look at that mark and don’t even think of him. It’s just gonna be part of somebody that you love… It.. It ain’t easy, but I think… I think this is God’s way of gettin’ rid of him.” Sally relaxed, just enough, still in pain, still teary-eyed, but so much more at peace.
“I.. I would hug you right now but- I- I don’t wanna get my sweat and snot and who knows what else on you and-” Stretch hugged her then.
“I don’t care, honey. I promise you I don’t care.” Sally snuggled close to her, getting the crook of her neck wet with tears. Stretch stroked her hair, gently, and just held her close. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” Eventually, after a long time, Sally sat up. “Greg, can I… Can I hold her?”
“Of course, darlin’,” he said, sitting on her other side, and gently passing her the baby. Sally held her, grimacing just a little as she looked up at her, curiously, with those big eyes. “She’s got such pretty eyes.”
“Yeah,” Sally said, softly, but not happily.
“Like yours,” Stretch said, hoping to help Greg get his point across. Sally’s expression softened, just a little.
“Oh,” she said. “Yeah… Like mine.” Sally gently rubbed her thumb against the baby’s cheek.
“She’s so little,” Andy whispered to his father.
“Yeah, she was just born,” he said. “You used to be that little.” The boy seemed quite surprised by that. Stretch almost laughed. Then, softly, for the first time, little Julia giggled, reaching out to hold her Momma’s finger. Sally broke down then, smiling at her.
“Hello, Julia,” she said softly. Julia started to fuss then, and Sally fed her new little girl for the first time, and Stretch felt like everything was going to be alright.
It was. For a time. The kids grew fast. Andy was nine years old, and Julia was five. Sally and Greg’s marriage had gone on a nosedive. But in an odd way. A way that somehow, despite her constant presence, Stretch didn’t quite understand. There was something inbetween them- something stopping them from being all that close to each other. But they were kind, and friendly nonetheless. Stretch was glad for that, of course, too many people she knew had had terrible, rocky divorces. But Sally and Greg just seemed to drift apart.
Stretch never married. Never even dated. She just didn’t have any interest, and she worked hard all day as a TV reporter. Romance just wasn’t something she looked for in her life. Besides, she already had a family, with Sally, and the kids. And Greg.
Her life was good. She was really, really happy.
Until the day that Robert Lambert Sawyer somehow, someway, broke out of prison. Having to report about it on the news, with a straight, calm face, was nerve wracking enough, but she was a professional, and she managed to get by.
But seeing that letter. That goddamn bloody piece of paper right there at her front door made her feel fit to die. She hoped beyond hope for just a second it wasn’t what she thought it was. But she picked it up. And opened it. And read.
Hey Radio Girl!
She closed it again. Looked around, frantically. But saw no signs. She thought about going inside to read it, but then considered he could be in there. So she went to her car. She drove, quickly, to the first place she could think of- the police station- and sat in their parking lot to read it, only feet from what should be help if something happened, if somehow she was there.
Though, after her run in with the Sawyers, and with Lefty, the presence of cops hardly made her feel better. She opened the letter, slowly, and three little metal rods fell out- in her lap. They were stained with old dry blood, and she flinched, immediately, and threw them across her car, into the passenger’s seat. She shook it out, in case anything else awful was contained down in there, before sighing, heavily, and opening up the letter, slowly starting to read.
Hey Radio Girl!
Long time no see. It’s me- Chop Top- in case you didn’t know. I saw you became a big shot reporter- saw you on the news! So I thought I would give you a big big story! And It’s one I’m sure you’ve been wunderin’ about. I’m gonna tell you how I survived the big cave in.
You killed my Great Grandma in front of me, then cut open my belly with her saw. I’m sure you rimember that. Then I fell down that long pipe, and the whole ceiling came down, like Atlas droppin’ the world. Then I had to crawl around in those pipes a minute- ‘cause they were so strong and didn’t get crushed.
I dug around and found my family. You killed my Grandpa with that cave in. Your little piggy friend killed my baby brother with that saw he brought. Big brother was in so many pieces I couldn’t tell which of you bastards killed him. But that’s okay!! My twin brother lived okay. He’s still livin’ down there, unless y’all brot him up and locked him up in jail too. The two of us found your little piggy friend with his saws all busted up. And his back too. I think when you sabotogued our house, you got him crushed too! But lucky for me he weren’t too bad to eat.
Stretch closed her eyes tight a moment, and tried to control her breathing. She had wondered, years ago, what happened to Lefty, but she hadn’t thought about it in a long time. They officially determined they had found Franklin a couple years ago, pieces of his skeleton woven into his wheelchair by the cave in, and the flashlight he brought with them still nearby. But they never found Lefty. She tried not to let her mind be overcome by the images of the bodies she saw them dig up.
He didn’t react much, but when we found him he was still wigglin’.
Stretch paused again, focusing all her energy on not picturing it, and losing slowly.
He didn’t squeal like a good little piggy, but I stripped his legs of meat, and then took a few big healthy bites out of him- ripped open his neck and his chest all up. I think I made him cry. Got a few good pictures of him too. Gonna send those to your little friend. Also found these weird things in his knee when I made my snacks out of him. Figured they might help somebody find him. And we can’t have that!! If my family don’t get to be happy, neither does his, and neither does yours!! See you soon :)
XOXO
Chop Top
Stretch processed, for a moment, what was laying in her lap. The horrible truth, there in front of her, the knowledge she never wanted to keep- the pins from Lefty’s knee, undeniable proof that Robert did find him- did tear him apart. Stretch hadn’t realized she was crying until the tears hit the letter. She was tempted to bring it in, walk right into that police station and show them what she had- get those bastards off their asses and shooting holes in that son of a bitch before sundown. But then a little more of that horrible letter processed in her mind.
Gonna send those to your little friend.
Sally.
It’s about Sally.
He’s gonna go to Sally.
Stretch whipped out of that parking lot like a bat out of hell, flying down the road to Sally’s house faster than the law would allow. She was lucky no cops tried to stop her, because she wouldn’t’ve stopped, and whatever the result of that was would just have to happen.
She parked like an asshole and outright ran to the door, slamming on it hard. She didn’t hear anything inside. She slammed on it again. She looked down to her feet, and saw a drop of blood on their doormat. She slammed so hard she could’ve broken a storm door.
“Sally! Sally! Please-” The door flew open, and she found herself face to face with a gun.
“Oh- Stretch-” Sally lowered it, tears still in her eyes. “Get in here! Get in here, now-” Stretch did as she was told.
“Where’s Greg? Where’s the babies-”
“He- he’s got the babies-”
“Robert?”
“Greg- Greg’s got the babies he- they’re- they’re he’s gettin’ ‘em ready to go to his parent’s house-���
“I got a letter-” Stretch began.
“Oh, God, he sent somethin’ to you too-”
“What did he send you?” Stretch asked. “What-”
“These pictures-” Sally said, tears streaming wildly down her face. “He sent me these awful pictures and- and I just-” She started to sob, harder, never letting go of the gun. “I- I wanted to just get rid of ‘em but- but the police might need ‘em as evidence. They’re just- they’re just so awful- I don’t want my babies to see it- I don’t want my babies to see him, Nita-” Stretch glanced at Sally’s kitchen counter, at the small group of slightly bloody polaroids.
“I think there’s a fingerprint,” she said, walking towards them- “Or at least a partial- here- He left-” She looked up, just a little too far, and saw what Sally had seen. She felt nauseous, and she started to shake, overwhelmed with the sights and sounds of Texas Battleland- hearing that goddamn dinner bell the cook had rung when they called Grandpa to kill her and the roar of saws and Bringin’ in the Sheaves- smelling gas and cooked up bodies and LG’s cologne, and the whiskey on Lefty’s breath- all of it, just at once, overwhelming her every sense.
Then, suddenly, she remembered the last body she ever witnessed the excavation crew dig up. The man with the bites along his neck, and his chest. The battered broken legs. The final expression of pain. Stretch couldn’t explain why she did what she did next. She should’ve looked away- God knows she should’ve just looked away. But she didn’t. She picked up those pictures, determined to face the truth, even if it hurt her.
It was Lefty. The same as he looked the last time she saw him. The last time anybody saw him alive. Though, fairly clearly, he was dead. His clothes were in pieces, framing his bloodied, broken body, the same way they had done to LG. He was cut up, clearly, and had a mess of bruises along his face- maybe from the cave in. Hopefully from the cave in. And bites- big fleshy chunks, taken out of his throat, and his chest. Toothy imprints on his shoulder. His face was blank- thank God, that of a dead man. Though his eyes were forever wide with surprise. And at least a spark of pain. Stretch had a horrible, horrible feeling he truly had been alive when that started. She put down the pictures.
“You didn’t have to look at that-” Sally began.
“I know,” she said. “I just… We should hold onto these, but put them somewhere them babies won’t see. It’s got his fingerprints on it, and… And I think… Seein’... Seein’ the wounds that… That took him. Could help. Could help with the investigation-”
“What do you mean?”
“I think-” Stretch took a breath and calmed herself. “If the coroners can see those pictures they’ll be able to identify his body. I… I think I saw him-”
“If they were gonna find him those pins in his knee-”
“The same son of a bitch who sent you those photos sent me a letter,” Stretch said. “And he had those pins in it. He took ‘em out, on purpose, said as much in the letter- he didn’t want us to identify Lefty- he wanted Lefty’s family to suffer.” With each word her voice became more strained, until the last word was a hoarse bark- almost a yell. Sally paused, then, struggling to find any response to that.
“Stretch… Me, Greg, and the kids are goin’ to his parents’ house. ‘Cause while he knows about me, and mine, I.. We don’t think he knows about Greg’s.” Stretch nodded.
“That’s a good plan. I want y’all safe.”
“And I want you safe,” Sally said. “Come with us.”
“Is- is Greg okay with that?”
“Yes-” Greg said, coming into the room with the kids, holding their little suitcases. “He is.”
They went to Greg’s parents’ house, all together. The kids were confused, and little Andy was old enough to be scared too. They just kept asking questions, all the way, which the adults tried to answer vaguely enough no to scare them, the whole car ride there. Fortunately, the kids loved their grandparents, and when they saw their Nana and Papaw, questions about their sudden departure faded away.
“Oh, uh, Ma, this is Stretch- Sally’s friend. She.. She got somethin’ in the mail from that guy too.”
Just like that, Greg’s parents were fine, welcoming Stretch in without another word. Sally asked if she could use their phone, and they agreed. She quickly called her parents, the Hubermans, the Willards, and the Waisains as well- warning them that Robert was at large. Stretch asked if she could do the same, suddenly fearful that the bastard might go after Mrs. McPeters. She called her, quick and desperate, trying to keep her voice steady and her eyes free of tears as she explained the situation. Mrs. McPeters promised to stay safe, and made Stretch promise the same. She hung up the phone and started to shake, uncontrollably. She felt Sally’s hands on her shoulders.
“Nita?” she asked softly. “Vanita? Are you alright?” She tried to keep herself steady, and images of LG and Lefty clear from her mind.
“If he does anything to that sweet little old lady I swear to God I’ll kill him,” she said, jaw starting to hurt from how hard she had clenched it.
“I’ll help you hide the body,” Sally said, softly.
They had dinner with Greg and his parents. Despite knowing that Sally and Greg were breaking down their marriage on good terms, somehow, she didn’t expect dinner to be so… amiable. There just wasn’t any anger between Sally and Greg- and his parents either didn’t care or didn’t know. There was a little awkwardness, due to the circumstances of their visit, but it was nothing that seemed too severe. The kids, in the very least, didn’t seem to notice. There was a tension, in all the adults, a fear of what may come, the urge to check every window, the slight flinch at every odd noise from outside. But everything seemed alright.
For a time.
Eventually, Sally and Greg were doing the dishes, while Stretch looked after the kids, trying to keep their minds off it all. She hoped she was doing a good job and not making them too nervous, as she glanced up at the windows and looked behind her in every reflective surface. Though, generally, they seemed alright. Andy was just a little more reserved than usual. There seemed to be something on his mind. It became more prominent, as the minutes dragged on, and he went from playing with his little cars unusually slowly, to just sitting there, holding them.
“Hey, you alright?” she asked, lifting his little chin up.
“Auntie Nita…” He started. “Were… Were those pictures real?” Stretch thought she was going to drop dead right then and there.
“Pictures? What pictures?”
“Today, in the mail, Momma got… Momma got some weird pictures.” No. No, God, please no. “She… She went to get Daddy, and Julie, and… And she put them up kind of high but I’m pretty tall so I… I looked at ‘em. A little.” Stretch still had hope, somehow, someway, that he hadn’t seen what she thought he saw.
“What… What was in the pictures?” she asked. He paused. She figured he knew he saw something he wasn’t supposed to. “It’s okay. Just… I just want to know what was in the pictures.”
“There….” Andy started to whisper. “There was a man. And he didn’t have any shirt on, and he was all torn up. And bloody.” Stretch closed her eyes tight, and felt a tear roll down her cheek. She hoped to God she never saw Robert Sawyer in person, because if she did she would end up in jail in a heartbeat. “Was it real?” Stretch had no idea what to tell him. What would help him, and what would fill his little head with nightmares, forever. She didn’t think it was her decision to make- she wasn’t his parent- she was just his Momma’s best friend. She held him tight, it was the only thing she could think to do.
“Thank you for tellin’ me, baby.”
“Was it real?” he asked again. Then, barely a whisper. “Is the guy who took those pictures gonna do that to us?”
“No, baby,” Stretch said, firmly. “No he’s not.”
“How do you know?” he asked, clearly scared.
“Because if that guy ever came around you, or your sister I would-” Rip his fucking head off. “Take care of it. We’re not gonna let anything happen to you.” He nodded, and burrowed his little head against her chest. She held him, tight, till she heard Sally and Greg turn off the sink. “I’ll be right back, honey, I- I’ve gotta talk to your Momma a second-”
“Am I in trouble?”
“No- No, baby. You’re not in trouble.” She maneuvered the little boy off her lap, then stood up slowly, trying to keep herself calm. She went into the kitchen, where Sally and Greg were talking. They looked stressed. She was shaking, and it was hard to get a single sound to come out of her throat.
“Sal?” she said, softly. “Greg- I- there’s somethin’-” she didn’t want to cry, she didn’t want to cry right then and it made her mad at herself, but the tears dripped down anyways. “Somethin’... There’s somethin’ I need to tell you about.”
“What happened?” Sally asked.
“Are the kids okay?” Stretch took a deep breath.
“Andy saw the pictures.”
“What?” Greg asked.
“No-” Sally began.
“Which pictures? What-”
“The pictures of Lefty.” Sally looked on the verge of sobbing too, and Greg’s eyes went wide. “He- He seems to be taking it okay he just.. He kept askin’ if they were real and… and if the person who took ‘em was gonna hurt us. I told him he was safe but I- I don’t know what to tell him about those pictures.” It hung heavy, over the three of them, for a moment.
“I…” Sally began. “I’ve… I’ve read up on this and… and things like this… Kids are… Kids are resilient,” she said. “So long as you support ‘em and… and don’t make ‘em feel scared, or ashamed.” Stretch was so glad, as she had been for years, that Sally was there and knew what to do. “I…” She took a deep breath. “I can talk to him. I’ll… I’ll take ‘em both aside and talk to ‘em for a minute.”
“I can go with you,” Stretch offered.
“Me too-” Greg added.
“That’s alright,” Sally said. “I.. I’ve got this handled.”
Stretch and Greg sat in the living room, alone. Greg’s parents had gone to sleep, and Sally was busy with the babies, trying to take care of all that mess. It was tense, at first, then Greg got up, and got himself a beer.
“Do you want one?” he asked, softly. Stretch thought she might should stay sober, in case Sally needed anything, or in case Robert did come and she had to kill him properly this time, but she was also so on edge she could hardly think.
“Yeah I’ll… I’ll just have one.”
One became three. Though she still had her wits about her mostly. Greg drank about the same, and the two of them started to feel a little less distant from each other, and got to talking.
“If I ever see that little pencil-neck son of a bitch I’ll kill him myself,” Greg hissed, waving the bottle around and talking quiet- not wanting the kids to hear. “Sally didn’t do a damn thing to him- I wish they’d just given that bastard the chair.” Stretch nodded, slowly.
“Yeah I… I almost killed him,” she said, softly. “I wish I had… Wish I’d done it properly.”
“Don’t blame yourself,” Greg said. “You… You ain’t done nothin’ wrong. You cut his stomach open with a chainsaw and kicked him off a cliff- The fact that he didn’t die that’s just… The devil’s work.” His moment of religious fervor, a bit uncharacteristic for Greg, had Stretch clench the bottle just a little bit harder.
“Yeah,” she said softly, letting those horrible images pass through her mind without much attention. “By all means he… He should’ve died.” She couldn’t help but think about the letter. The way he survived. Stretch wished that was something she could’ve avoided, something that didn’t have to happen, but she had no other real options in that moment, and no way of knowing what would happen. She thought about Lefty, really thought about him, for the first time in a long time. It was his own damn fault he died like that. And he pulled her and LG down into it. But… No matter how mad she was at him then- how much she wanted to kick his ass too when she first got to the hospital and thought he might have made it- she couldn’t say he deserved the end he got. She couldn’t think of anybody who deserved all that. Well, maybe a few people. A few brothers, to be more precise. But not Lefty.
Over the years of knowing Sally, and her family, her views on Lefty had become more complicated. The first year, after he died, she was furious with him, blamed him just as much for LG’s death as the Sawyers- was outright glad, sometimes, he was dead. But knowing Sally, and her parents- her father especially- had dimmed that anger some. They had loved that crazy, stubborn man. And she loved them. And a little of that love rubbed off on her. She wished she could’ve known him, really, when he was alive, maybe before he lost his mind completely. He sounded like a good man.
Stretch realized, then she lost track of what Greg was saying. She looked over, at him, and her confusion sparked up again. He was a plenty nice guy. And he and Sally didn’t seem to have any real problem between them. They seemed happy. But somewhere, somehow, something was wrong. She had never seen anything like it. Well, almost never.
She had gone on little dates with LG that were like that, she supposed. It was fun- goin’ out with him, to bars to go dancin’ or on late night coffee runs, or out to go hiking. She really enjoyed spending time with him, and she loved that man, she really did. But there was always something not quite right, about their little dates, about the idea of LG being her man. She wondered if that was what it was like for Sally. And she wondered if she had married LG if they would’ve ended up like Sally and Greg.
Stretch looked over to Greg. He wasn’t unattractive, he looked fine- average. He wasn’t mean, or a drunk, or wrapped up in something bad. He was good with the kids. Had a fine job. Listened to Sally when she wanted to talk. Stretch wasn’t exactly attracted to him herself, but he seemed like a fine man for Sally. Greg seemed to be at the end of whatever tangent he had been going on.
“I uh-” Stretch began, interrupting him just a little- “I… I wanted to say thank you.”
“Huh?”
“For bringin’ me along. For bringin’ me here. You didn’t have to-”
“Nah,” he said. “It’s nothin’. Sally loves you, and I love Sally. Simple as.” Stretch paused, for just a moment. Then, spurned on by alcohol and unconcerned by the consequences she asked.
“It’s not my place at all but… I just… What happened with y’all?” she asked. “You just- you’ve always seemed happy, you know and…” Stretch started to think again she shouldn’t have brought it up. “I just don’t understand why you’d wanna split up when.. You love her so much.” Greg laughed, a little, and Stretch found herself rather surprised.
“That’s why I wanna split up,” Greg said. “Because I love her.”
“What?”
“Look I just… I love Sally. I love that woman with all my heart, and I love our kids, and her parents and.. And all of it. But Sally… She don’t love me. She’s just not capable of it.”
“What?” Stretch went quickly to Sally’s defense. “Sally’s capable of love-”
“Oh, I know that,” Greg said. “That ain’t what I’m sayin’. She loves our kids to death, and… I think she loves me like you love a good friend, but I… I know she don’t love me the way I love her.” Stretch tried to catch up.
“Do you… Do you think there’s somebody else?” she asked.
“Oh, I know there is. I’m surprised you don’t.”
“She’s never told me anything like that-”
“Stretch, it’s you,” he said.
“What?”
“It’s you, Stretch. It’s… Sally and I have been as happy as we could be, for a long time. But… I don’t think… She’s never… Stretch, I don’t think she’s ever had any real interest in men. At least none she’s mentioned to me. But… Every time you walk in the room she just lights up. You know? When things are goin’ wrong she goes to you- she wanted you around every important moment in our lives- you were there for the birth of both our children I just… I thought you two might already be together.” Stretch was beyond shocked. It was one hell of a day for all that to come out too.
“And you- you were okay with that?” Stretch asked, in a hushed tone.
“I already told you, Stretch,” he said. “I love Sally. And I want her to be loved. Even if it ain’t by me.”
Stretch had a hell of a lot on her mind that night. So, as she tucked in the guest room of Greg’s parents’ house, she expected to have some kind of dream. For years after her run in with the Sawyers she had nightmares. They had lessened over the years, but occasionally, suddenly they got stirred up again. As she laid down, and tried to sleep that night, that was what she feared.
She was at the radio station again. In her old DJ booth. It was nighttime. And nobody else was there. She was tense. Deathly tense. She thought she knew what would happened next. Was fairly confident she remembered exactly what happened next. She heard chattering, through the walls. Someone was talking in the lobby. She knew someone was talking in the lobby. She didn’t want it to go on longer than it had to. So she stood up, with all the confidence she could muster and walked that way.
What she saw there still surprised her.
There was a massive dinner table- laid out there instead of the couch, and around it were about a dozen people she recognized immediately. The Sawyers were there- of course- all of them- even her brain’s best conjuration of that damn hitchhiker- but among them were the Hardestys- Sally and Andy and Julie and Franklin and Lefty- and though Stretch wasn’t sure of the accuracy of their faces, her mind told her the other three at the table were Jerry, and Kirk, and Pam. They were eating, together, talking like nothing was wrong, joking with each other, passing around what looked like normal meat like some kind of macabre Thanksgiving. The old man Sawyer- the cook- Drayton- was the first to notice her.
“Oh. Well. Look who decided to come out of her room,” he said, in that annoying, jokey way her uncle used to say the same damn line, completely unconcerned by the way his jaw was hanging half off his face or the shrapnel in his chest.
“What?” she asked, unable to drag her eyes away from it.
“We were wonderin’ when you were gonna come join us,” Lefty spoke up. “There’s still plenty to go around, of course. I didn’t let the boys finish off the dinner rolls without you.” He looked happy. Sounded happy. But his clothes were wet with blood and his face was bruised to hell. She could see a bite mark peeking out from his shirt collar.
“This ain’t right. None of this is right,” she said, taking a step towards it all anyways- against her right mind and her will.
“We saved a seat for you, girl!” said Robert. The son of a bitch was smiling, sitting in the chair next to Sally- like he had any right to be anywhere close to her.
“You…” She began. “You-” She felt a hand on her shoulder- a big, wet hand. Then she heard a harsh whisper in her ear.
“Darlin’, I think you need to wake up.”
Stretch bolted right up, sitting up like she was awake. Then, in the corner of her eye, she saw a man standing by the window of the bedroom she was in. And she screamed. In a heartbeat, everybody else was there, Greg’s father weiling a double barrel shotgun wildly. The man ran- of course- when she screamed.
“What happened? What was that?”
“There was somebody- I woke up all of a sudden and there was somebody-”
“Do you think you just had a nightmare, dear?” asked Greg’s mother.
“No-” Stretch said. “I don’t- I-”
“Let’s go look,” Greg said, firmly. Greg and his dad ran outside, while Sally and Stretch stayed in with the kids, and Greg’s mom. Stretch was pretty confident she was the most prepared to beat the shit out of Robert if he ever came back, but she also refused to leave those babies alone for even a minute. She had seen what the Sawyers did to a trained man who brought three damn chainsaws. She wasn’t confident Greg and his father would be able to stop him either.
“What’s goin’ on?” Andy asked, softly. Stretch wasn’t sure what to say.
“We’ve gotta stay down right now, and be quiet,” Sally said, softly.
“Is it him?” Andy asked. “Is it the man who sent the pictures?” Sally held her little boy a little tighter.
“We don’t know. We’ve just got to be careful right now. Your Daddy, and Papaw are checkin’ it out right now, just to be sure.”
Suddenly, they heard a scream. Stretch wrapped her arms around Sally and those kids tight, ready for a fight. She heard the blast of the shotgun. Once. Then everything was deathly quiet. There was shuffling, at the front door, someone coming in. She tensed up, and slipped away from them, grabbing Andy’s little aluminum baseball bat and holding it tight in her hands, standing at the door, ready to bash the fucker’s head in if he came through.
“Sally-” Greg said, opening the door and almost getting hit in his already bleeding face for it. “We- we got him!”
Stretch found out what happened that night in pieces, as the cops finally showed up.
It was him. Robert Sawyer. Chop Top. He had broken out of prison, left behind the letters, and the pictures, and gone on a killing spree. They weren’t his first targets. His first kills were completely random, strangers he met along the way whose things he wanted, or someone he just thought might taste good. Then, he went after a couple of cops, and their families. Determined to have himself a ‘pig roast’ it seemed. And finally, he came knocking at the wrong door. He had cased the house, with few problems. Sneaky as he was capable of being. But then, for some reason, Stretch woke up.
She was never as spiritual as some people- not even close to as spiritual as Sally had become, as she aged. But it was hard to find any other explanation for what happened that night. And besides, it wasn’t the first time LG had saved her. She thanked him, for watching out for her again, and hoped wherever he was up there he could hear it.
Then, of course, Greg and his father went out looking. Just to check. Chop Top slashed Greg across the face, and Greg’s father shot him with a double barrel shotgun. It didn’t kill him, though it should’ve- that fucker was like a roach. But he couldn’t come after them when he couldn’t walk from the pain, and he was stuck in the yard until the cops finally arrived.
He went back to prison, and they went back to their lives. Things were different. But in many ways, things were the same.
It was the summer of 1999. Thirteen years after Stretch’s run in with the Sawyers. Twice that for Sally. Things were looking up. Sally and Greg did divorce. Stretch thought about what Greg told her, a few days after that night, and for years proceeding that. But nothing came of it. Stretch stayed single. She had a career to focus on, of course. And, admittedly, she was utterly uninterested in men.
She was around throughout the kids’ childhood. They called her Auntie Nita, or Auntie Stretch. She was there for Sally throughout the divorce. And she was there when the Hardestys had a small, informal funeral for Lefty when his body was finally, actually laid to rest- identified by those nasty photos left on Sally’s doorstep. And she was there when Sally’s father was laid to rest with his brother and his son. She was just always there. That was where she wanted to be.
Sally and Stretch sat outside, watching the kids kick a ball around, drinking sweet tea on the porch. Sally paused, thoughtfully.
“Did you ever want kids of your own, Nita?” she asked.
“Huh?” Stretch nearly spat out her tea. “What’s got you askin’ that?”
“You just… You’ve always been so good with Andy and Julie. But… You never had kids of your own. Or a husband, either. I mean, you’ve still got time, you’re only, what, forty-two?”
“Well, I guess-”
“And you’re very beautiful,” Sally said. Stretch felt her cheeks warm up, just a little. “Anybody’d be lucky to have you.”
“Oh, is that so?”
“Of course,” Sally said. “You’re… I’ve… I’ve always admired you. You’re strong, and clever, and… Gorgeous.” Sally glanced just a split second at her lips- Stretch knew damn well she did. “Sorry- I- uh, I don’t mean it like that, of course,” Sally said, looking away.
“That’s too bad,” Stretch said softly.
“Huh?”
“I wish you did,” she said. Sally was looking at her like she was seeing her for the first time. “Mean it.. Like that.” They leaned towards each other, almost subconsciously, almost like magnets. And briefly, but warmly, they kissed.
In that moment it felt like everything just clicked right into place. It was a good feeling. A really, truly good feeling. They both smiled, enjoying just a moment of being in each other’s warmth. Then, leaning against one another, they looked back to their kids.
The day she met the Sawyers had changed her life forever. In a lot of ways, for the worse. But as she sat there on that porch, sipping her sweet tea, subtly holding’ Sally’s hand, she found she could breath easy, knowing she had finally made a life that she was happy with.
#tcm#tcmfanevent#tcmdisabilityweek#sally hardesty#stretch brock#ended up running a bit late with other submissions bc this one ended up so long#but imo it was worth it. my other submissions will probably be out today or tomorrow#what is the ship name for these two? Ive been calling it Salretch in my head lol#sccchhhlightly worried about the level of violence that pops up in this one#ive definately written worse but I think its one of the more graphic things in this event so far#but the whole thing isnt violent- most of it isnt theres just... moments
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literally I have not written this much in the span of a couple weeks since like. mid high school. so around 7-8 years ago. what has this show done to me
#it’s not like I haven’t been super into other stuff over the course of that time yet nothing spurred me to write like This#I used to in late middle school / early high school for a fandom I will not mention except. way way more. like I had an unfinished fic over#100k words. and that was just one fic#but. anyway SINCE then nothing’s motivated me to write this much except. well. you know#I think part of it has something to do with the fanbase being so new and active#I rarely get into things that are new enough or popular enough to have much of a fanbase to encourage me to write more / post more#so this is nice#anywayyyy yeah I just finished the second chapter of don’t you want me and both chapters combined are 10k. I am not even halfway done#I’m worried I’m dragging it out way too much and people are gonna get bored#cause the Fun Stuff will really start to go down in chapter 4#I guess we’ll see. it’s not as popular as my first (oneshot) fic which is a bit disappointing but I suppose inevitable#I’m not feeling that confident about my writing/plot on this piece honestly but. we keep truckin#rambling#oh yeah and for reference. I’ve probably written like 30Kish words worth of stuff in the past two weeks or so
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The Frozen Lake
It was the third day since he had stopped feeling like dying.
About a week ago he had woken up from his far too lifelike fever dream and a few days later the last spikes of the fever itself had been gone too just like the hallucinations it had brought in his sleep.
He still had been sick though and welcomed Rael telling him to stay in bed until he was perfectly healthy again all too eagerly.
While he still sneezed every now and then, it was at least tolerable now, still annoying but he didn’t feel incredibly uncomfortable anymore.
That day, just like the last and also the ones before that, he had awoken late. Against Rael’s order to stay in bed he had found the courage to get up and take a look out of the window. It was a sunny day, which in Coerthas still meant that it was bitterly cold though. But the sun was shining brightly and already high in the sky too which meant it had to be almost midday. He had slept way too long again, way to many hours for a surprisingly dreamless sleep. Or maybe it was exactly the lack of dreams that allowed him to finally rest, after all in the past there rarely had been good ones…
For a moment he considered to go downstairs and ask for a late breakfast if that wasn’t too insolent given the late hour but then a knock sounded from the door.
Quickly he hurried back to bed, just in case it was Rael, but the person who carefully peeked into the room a few seconds later wasn’t a viera.
“Ah, you are awake! That’s good!”, Haurchefant exclaimed happily and brought a small tray with hot soup and also something warm to drink. “It is so late already, you must be horribly hungry. Alphinaud checked in on you earlier but you were still fast asleep and he didn’t have the heart to wake you.”
A little uncertain on how to answer to that, A’viloh just nodded. Haurchefant grinned, put down a mug on the bedside table and handed A‘viloh a comfortingly warm bowl filled with some rather delicious smelling stew.
Instead of fetching the chair from the small desk by the window, Haurchefant sat down at the lower end of the bed balancing the tray with his own lunch on his knees. Rael once told him that ishgardian society had an absurd amount of strict and antiquated rules and so A’viloh couldn’t help but wonder, that although it seemed like a very appropriate distance to him, in Haurchefant’s hometown the fact alone that he dared to sit on someone else’s bed was probably scandalous.
“I hope you don’t mind me having lunch with you.”, the Elezen asked as he noticed A‘viloh staring.
Quickly the Miqo’te lowered his gaze to his bowl of soup. “Not at all.”, he muttered and tried a spoonful of the food just to change the topic. “Mhh, this is very good!”, he mumbled, still chewing, surprised by how good this really was compared to the bland food and bitter teas Rael had usually brought him these last few days. It must have been the Viera’s way of punishing him for running away.
Haurchefant laughed and then for a while they ate in silence.
“You look a lot healthier already.”, the Elezen stated after a while with an amiable smile on his face before taking a sip from his mug.
A‘viloh shrugged a little embarrassed, since it had been his own fault that he hadn’t been well in the first place. “Only because all of you took so good care of me.”
Haurchefant nodded. “You know, you had us all horribly worried right?”
“Sorry about that.”, he said and guitily looked into his mug.
Curiously Haurchefant eyed him for a moment. “Why did you do that anyway? Run out into the storm.”
A bit surprised A’viloh looked up. Had they all thought he had done this on purpose? “There wasn’t a storm when I left! What do I know about weather? I didn’t expect it to start snowing, let alone that much!”
That made the Elezen chuckle again but he still looked at him expecting an answer.
“Still… why did you leave?”
“I assumed Rael told you…”, A’viloh replied not sure what Haurchefant wanted to hear exactly. He nodded. “Rael did. But maybe I want to hear it from you…”
A’viloh sighed. His plan hadn’t been very smart and he felt a little uncomfortable having to explain his reasons to someone else, when in retrospect it didn’t make much sense even to his own ears.
“You know the… circumstances under which we fled Ul’dah… I couldn’t… um… the fact that we didn’t even know what happened to our friends… I wanted to find out, because it doesn’t seem fair to me that we escaped while all of them didn’t…”
“Mhh…”, Haurchefant nodded thoughtfully but let go off the topic for now. Instead he asked, „And how are you feeling today?”
Somehow that question confused A’viloh even more.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s a simple question, isn’t it?”, he said still smiling politely.
Of course it was a simple question. Just the answer felt unreasonable complicated to him. To make things even more difficult people who asked such a question usually wanted to hear “I‘m fine, and you?” or “Very good, thank you.” for an answer and rarely the truth. They certainly didn’t want to hear “A few days ago I was convinced I was going to die and honestly it wasn’t that bad, so now I‘m still not sure wether I am happy to still be alive or not”.
“Alright… I guess.”, he mumbled instead. He had never been a good liar and could only hope that this fact wasn’t too obvious for the Elezen.
“You know what?”, Haurchefant proclaimed after watching him thoughtfully for a second. “Today is a wonderful day. We should go for a walk.”
“A walk?!”, A’viloh exclaimed wide-eyed, as if he had just asked something unreasonable of him.
“Why not?”
A’viloh couldn’t think of a good reason why not, other than that he was supposed to stay in bed, so he shrugged.
“Where’s Rael?”, he asked instead.
Haurchefant smirked. “Do you need Rael’s permission to go outside?”
“Of course not.”, the Miqo’te protested. “But Rael will be mad if I run off again, especially against their orders to stay in bed.”
“Rael and Alphinaud went to the observatory earlier.”, Haurchefant explained. “We’ll be back before they are, I promise.”
What was A’viloh supposed to say against that and also against the expectant look on the Elezen’s face. He took another glimpse towards the window and decided that it looked nice enough to go outside.
“Fine.”
“Good!”, Haurchefant exclaimed happily and collected their empty bowls and mugs. “There should be warm clothes for you in the wardrobe. If you need anything else just ask someone. I’ll wait for you by the northern gate.”
After Haurchefant had left, A’viloh remained sitting in his bed for a moment longer contemplating on the Elezen’s question. Yes, he felt better again. But better in what comparison? Better than a few days ago when he had felt and also been half-dead? Though he didn’t feel sick anymore now, there still was a weigh on his heart. From his plan that had failed so spectacularly and even more so from the dreams he wouldn’t have minded to keep on dreaming forever.
Vehemently he shook his head and decided not to think about that now or he would just crawl back under the blanket of his comfortably warm bed again. Instead he got up and took a look into the wardrobe. Almost none of these were his own clothes of course since all he possessed were the ones he had worn on his body that day they fled Ul’dah. Very unsuitable for this climate. But neither did he see the borrowed clothes he had worn that night when he had tried to run away. Everything in here looked even softer and warmer like someone had wanted to make sure he was feeling comfortable. To his surprise the things didn’t look that much too big for him either, unlike his last set of clothes. Besides a few Hyur most people here at Camp Dragonhead were grown up Elezen but these clothes looked like they belonged to neither. Maybe it were clothes for Elezen children, he wondered and also thought that in that case someone must have brought them here just for him.
Grateful for so much effort he picked a few pieces and got dressed. Lazily he ran his fingers through his hair to get rid of the worst knots but the look into the small mirror at the washbasin, where his tired face stared back at him reproachfully, just made him sigh. Once he was ready he took the warm coat out of the wardrobe too and went out to look for Haurchefant. Just as he had said, the Elezen was standing by the gate that led to the north-east, towards the ruins of the Steel Vigil.
From afar Haurchefant already recognised the Miqo’te, his bright red hair a singularity among all the people living here. Pleasantly smiling as always he waved at him and A’viloh couldn’t help but smile a little too and wave back as he hurriedly walked towards him.
“There you are! I see the clothes fit you nicely.”
A’viloh nodded.
“They do. Thank you very much for these.”
Haurchefant dismissively waved with one hand. “It’s the least I could do…”
But he had done a lot more than that, A’viloh thought. “I think there’s more I need to thank you for. Rael told me it was you who saved my life.”
“Mhhh…”, Haurchefant tilted his head as if he wasn’t sure if this statement was entirely the truth. “Rael is too humble. They played a bit of a role in that too. After all it was Rael who noticed you were gone. And it was also Rael who didn’t leave your bedside and tried their best to heal you.”
A’viloh remembered waking up and finding the usually quite touch-averse viera cuddled up to him with a look on their face so horribly sad like he had never seen on them before. Rael had pretended it was nothing but it had been a very unconvincing performance. Asked about it Alphinaud had only offered a few sentences about how worried Rael had looked and how they had used all kinds of spells he himself had never seen or heard of before, all of it to try and save him. It had made him feel even more guilty for his stupidity.
So maybe Haurchefant was right. But still it had been him who had risked going out into the storm to find him.
“Anyway. I still want to thank you! Honestly.”, he insisted. But how honestly was it really?
Sure, he was glad to still be alive. After all his plan hadn’t been to run out into a blizzard and freeze to death, although some of them seemed to think that was the case. But once he found himself in this situation he had to admit that he had welcomed his fate rather willingly. A fact that shocked even himself a little looking back at it now.
“You’re welcome. After all you wouldn’t be any help to your friends frozen to death out there.”, Haurchefant joked with a wry smile on his lips.
“I guess not...”, A’viloh muttered, the topic of his friends making his mood visibly sink again.
Of course the Elezen noticed and his smile turned into a playful grin. “But I acted a little selfish too, you know? I think Camp Dragonhead is a lot friendlier with your company and I would like to have you and your pretty smile around a little longer.”
For a moment A’viloh’s eyes shot up to look at the others face before he quickly pretended that something somewhere a little bit to his left was a lot more interesting. Sometimes Haurchefant randomly said things, A’viloh hadn’t had the slightest idea how to react to. Not because he was that oblivious but simply because it puzzled him. Nonetheless the air suddenly didn’t feel that cold anymore on his face.
Haurchefant was always very kind to him. Well, he mostly was kind to everybody but sometimes he seemed to admire him especially. Him of all people, although there was nothing special about him. Haurchefant sometimes spoke of him like he was one of the greatest heroes of all time and it felt so ridiculous to him. He was just silly, cowardly A‘viloh! What had he ever achieved in his miserable life to justify such admiration? The people called him a Warrior of Light but wasn’t that some grand overstatement? Some days he thought all of this had been a horrible mistake. A great misunderstanding! Then he wondered how he had ever gotten entangled in this madness in the first place and also if he ever would get out of it again. But what else should he do with his life anyway...
While A’viloh’s brain still screeched in desperate search for a proper response, Haurchefant seemed to realise he had flustered him and glossed it over by gesturing to the gate.
“How about we walk a few yalms? There’s something you need to see!”
Still too dumbstruck to speak or to even wonder what the Elezen was talking about, A’viloh nodded and then proceeded to follow him out into the snowy landscape.
After a few minutes Haurchefant paused and took a deep breath. “Isn’t the air wonderful today?”
A’viloh followed his example, breathed deeply and let his gaze wander over the snow covered landscape with a few pines here and there and the mountains and ruins of the Steel Vigil in the distance. The air was cool and fresh, still cold enough that the warm sun couldn’t melt the snow. Instead the rays of sunshine made the scenery shine and sparkle as if everything was covered not in ice but in millions over millions of tiny diamonds.
“It is.”, he answered and smiled, surprised how beautiful this inhospitable landscape could be, before with a sudden spark of curiosity he finally asked. “Where are we going?”
“It’s not far anymore.”, Haurchefant said with a grin on his face and pointed into another direction. Shortly after and only a bit further ahead they reached a small lake.
As they got closer A‘viloh noticed that it not only was covered in a layer of snow and ice but also that quite a few off-duty soldiers, given the proximity to the camp he assumed they had to be, were standing right on top of the frozen lake. No, they were not quite standing. It looked more like they were dancing or flying maybe. More or less gracefully they moved over the lake‘s surface in fluid swift strides, some just moving in wide circles and other swirling around this way or that. A’viloh had never seen something like this and it looked strange and impossible but at the same time very beautiful to him.
The two of them had almost reached the lake by then, A’viloh a few steps ahead to get a better look at the wondrous people on the ice and he already wanted to ask how they did that, when his attention was drawn elsewhere by a curious squawking sound.
“Oh! Look at them!”, the Miqo’te exclaimed, his fascinated smile still turning a little brighter, as he gestured to a small flock of wild geese resting at the shore of the lake. With ruffled feathers they sat closely huddled together at the edge of the ice and suddenly A‘viloh couldn’t help but worry about them. They looked so unbothered by his presence, sleeping through the day and all the hubbub around them, looking all exhausted and frozen with their puffed up feathers. Like anything could happen to them and they wouldn’t even mind.
Strangely he wondered what he himself had looked like when Haurchefant had found him unconscious in the snow. He must have been a pitiful sight. Had the Elezen thought him beyond saving too, just like he himself had. What if he had found him a little later or not at all? Maybe that would have been better, a voice murmured to him just like it had so many times before and for a moment, tempted by the grief heavy on his heart once again, he almost believed it.
But no, he would be dead then and while he would have liked to imagine that this would mean he could be with his loved ones again, it was not exactly what either of the tribes he had lived with believed.
Vaguely he remembered his father working for hours, digging a grave at what used to be Wellwick Wood. An elderly woman too exhausted by their long journey, his grandmother if he remembered correctly, had died shortly after they had arrived there. With a sad smile on his face his father had explained to his children, who had stared down into the hole in the ground with confusion in their eyes, how by returning her body to the earth there could still grow new life from this death.
Or the drake tribe of the Sagolii Desert, who always burned their dead and left the ashes to be carried away by the desert wind, believing that it would make it easier for the deceased‘s aether to return to the Aetheric Sea and create something new elsewhere.
With a sudden sharp pain in his heart A’viloh realised that neither of the people he loved had gotten the burial they would have wanted for themselves. And neither had A‘viloh himself wanted to die in the coldness of Coerthas and be forever forgotten under a thick layer of snow and ice. He had thought about dying before but never had he been this close to it. For a second he wondered if this was something worth speaking to Rael about, but he wasn’t sure they wouldn’t misunderstand and get mad at him again.
“Why do you make such a sad face now?”, Haurchefant asked having noticed the smile slip from the Miqo’te’s face. But A’viloh just vehemently shook his head and focused on the geese again.
“They must be horribly cold.”, he wondered in a voice that suggested he already planned to take all of them to the safety of his comfortably warm room.
Haurchefant chuckled. “Don’t worry, they survived the storm out here after all. They keep each other warm, that’s why you‘ll rarely see one of them alone. A bit like you and your friends.”
“Maybe…”, A’viloh answered thinking about this comparison for a moment. “I just wish it wouldn’t always be me who needs to be taken care of. But as proven in Ul’dah and now once again I am simply too weak and useless to keep myself alive, not to mention anyone else.”
The Elezen’s face got a little stern as he folded his arms in front of his chest. “Don’t say that, I am sure it’s not true! This was just bad luck! You are neither weak nor useless!”
A’viloh shrugged. “But that’s how I feel right now...”
Slowly Haurchefant nodded before speaking again with a silent but determined voice. “Listen. I‘ll never forget how bravely you fought for Francel although you barely knew him. You could have gotten yourself in trouble with that and you helped him anyway.”
“It’s not like I did that on my own -”, A’viloh tried to protest but was immediately interrupted. “But you still helped! And I’m sure even without Rael you would have done so!”
Another shrug was all Haurchefant got in response, so the Elezen thought for a second before making an offer. “You want to make yourself useful, right? Get stronger? I could teach you how to fight like a real ishgardian knight, with sword and shield. Or we have some dragoons at Camp Dragonhead too! I’m sure there’s a lot you could learn from them.”
A‘viloh‘s face turned to disbelief. “I really don’t think I could fight with armor and weapons this heavy…”
“You can’t say so if you don’t try! And I have you know that dragoon armors are surprisingly light. How do you think they could still be this agile otherwise? Promise me to at least try training with them a little!”
He didn’t really want to agree to that. He knew he would make a fool of himself. But how could he say no with Haurchefant trying everything in his power to cheer him up. Weakly he shook his head and muttered: “Fine…”
“Perfect!”, Haurchefant exclaimed with a bright smile on his face. “I think an early reward for your efforts is appropriate then!”
Confused A’viloh watched him take a small bag off of his shoulders, which he hadn’t even noticed until now. For a moment the Elezen was busy undoing a knot before he opened the bag and presented to A‘viloh a set of two weirdly shaped blades attached to pieces of wood with leather straps. He had no idea what these constructs were meant to do and that was plainly visible on his face. “What’s that?”
“Ice skates of course!”, Haurchefant said as if that would explain it all but the Miqo’te‘s face remained clueless, so Haurchefant gestured to the lake behind them. “You attach them to your boots so you can walk on the ice like this!”
“Oh!”, A’viloh exclaimed as he understood what Haurchefant was planning. “I don’t think-… I mean I‘ve never-… You don’t really want me to step on that lake do you?” The idea somehow scared him.
“Why not?”, Haurchefant asked for the second time today with this smile that made the question sound like a challenge.
“It’s just a bit of ice!”, A‘vi objected. “What if it breaks?”
The Elezen shook his head and proceeded to fasten the metal blades beneath his boots. “Ah, don’t worry. The ice is thick enough, it will take at least a few more days to melt.”
“I don’t know…”, was all A’viloh replied as Haurchefant pressed another pair of skates into his hands. But the Elezen remained determined and took a few wobbly steps through the snow and onto the ice. “See! I can stand on it and it doesn’t break! You are a lot lighter than me, so why wouldn’t you be able to?”
Oh, you don’t know my bad luck!, A‘viloh thought but Haurchefant didn’t look like he would take that for an excuse. Instead he stretched out a hand towards the Miqo’te. “Come one! Believe me, this is going to be funny!”
For a second A‘viloh pondered his options. The idea of nothing but a little bit of ice between him and the water still terrified him but Haurchefant seemed so excited about this and the other people actually seemed to have fun too. Maybe he should at least pretend to try... Reluctantly he sat down on a rock and tried to put on the skates just like Haurchefant had done a moment ago.
“The clasp on the back too. Make sure none of them are loose… Yes, that looks fine!”, Haurchefant helpfully explained. As A’viloh got up, he almost flopped right back down into the snow. It was a weird feeling to balance his whole weight on only two thin pieces of metal. As he carefully took the first few steps towards the lake Haurchefant reached out for him once more. “Here! Take my hand! I don’t want you to fall…”
Hesitantly A‘vi stepped onto the ice and immediately felt like the ground was being pulled away beneath his feet. He struggled for balance, feeling himself falling backwards, so Haurchefants arm was a very welcome thing to hold on to.
With a chuckle the Elezen tried to loosen A‘vi‘s desperate grip on his arm and instead took each of his hand in one of his own before carefully making slow steps backwards pulling A‘viloh over the ice, which A’vi could swear was making suspicious crackling sounds below them. There was no way to tell the blades beneath his feet not to move, so all A’viloh could do was try not to fall and plead to Haurchefant with ears flat on his head and panic in his eyes, as he slowly was pulled further onto the lake. “No, no, no. Take me back, that’s a horrible idea!”
“Calm down. There’s nothing to be afraid of. I promise.”, Haurchefant said soothingly and continued to explain to him how to move on the ice skates. And in fact the Elezen’s calm voice slowly made A’viloh feel less anxious. His hands, frantically clasping at Haurchefant’s, relaxed along with his legs. It was still a weird feeling to be standing on the ice but now it felt a lot easier to remain balanced. He glanced at the people around them while remaining as still as possible, studied their movements for a moment and then tentatively tried to mimic the way they slowly pushed their feet above the slippery surface. To his surprise he really moved forward without much effort and also without feeling the sensation of falling again, closer to Haurchefant who had steadied him with his outstretched arms so far.
“See! It’s not that difficult.”, he said while making another step backwards so A’viloh had to follow with another step forward. The Miqo’te, strangely excited about the fact that he was actually moving on these weird ice-blades, laughed happily. “You are even going backwards!”
Haurchefants laughed. “One step after the other. Let’s teach you how to go forward first, hm? I‘ll let go off one of your hands but don’t worry, I still got you. One feet after the other just like you did before…”
In fact it almost felt easier now that he could use one of his arms to balance himself. Very slowly at first they floated above the icy surface of the lake but soon A‘viloh got braver. Once he almost lost his balance but for a comparably tall and strong person like Haurchefant it seemed like a very easy task to keep a small Miqo’te on his feet. Almost falling had felt like a shock for a second but only moments later they were laughing about it and in the end A’viloh was surprised and also a little proud how quickly he had learned and how much fun this was.
He wasn’t sure how much time they spent there on the frozen lake but at some point a bell sounded from the nearby Camp. Startled A’viloh looked up (and almost lost his balance again). “How late is it? I’m sure you have more important things to do than this! I’m sorry if I’m keeping you from doing your work.”
But Haurchefant just laughed and teased, “What could be more important than prove to you that not all of Coerthas is a deadly wasteland trying to kill you? But I think we really should return soon. I don’t want you to get cold again and after all we also don’t want Rael to find out about this little excursion, do we?”
For a second A’viloh wished the viera could see him now and wondered what their reaction would be like. The thought made him chuckle.
And as they floated, one last circle around the lake, A’viloh couldn’t help but wonder that maybe it was happy moments like this. The reason he was still here. Moments that made his life worth living.
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inspired by the poem The Reversal by Leila Chatti
#ffxiv#ff14#final fantasy xiv#final fantasy 14#ffxiv writing#ffxiv screenshots#gpose#Aviloh Tia#Haurchefant Greystone#This ended up sadder than I wanted actually XD#But at least it ends on a good note and thats worth something huh?#I read that poem while I was still writing the last story and thought it fitted A'vi's mood quite well#and that it would be sweet to make him go ice skating although he has no clue what that is and how to do it :D#Did I ever tell you A'vi is his own worst enemy sometimes? I probably did or you figured that out by yourself by now...#If he thinks he can't do something he won't even try#I like to blame that on the expectactions people had for him and which he failed repeatedly but it's probably a bit of a character flaw too#However before late HW it is probably also very easy to talk him into pretty much anything if you have the slightest bit of persuasion skil#oops thats probably a character flaw too... but in this case it is useful at last :D#A'vi will get better soon I promise!#Well obviously he will get worse first for obvious reasons but then he'll get better eventually!#Maybe... I hope... Oh boy I am seriously trying but this sad cat doesn't want to be happy D:#I think getting the Scions back will help a little and so will the happenings of Stormblood I think...#And regarding Haurchefant: I don't think I see this as particularly romantic (I mean from Haurchefant's side maybe given his character)#I should probably make a post one of these days giving some iside look on A'vi's emotions! because it's complicated! XD#he's been alive but not really living for so long now and maybe this near-death-expierence was necessary to make him think about that...#rant over! I'll make a different post another day! this already got out of hand again...#and once again I’m posting this on a Friday! i might just start calling it FanficFriday! which doesn’t mean you get something each week XD
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a large amount of time I've been spending on -untitled undefined scope original fiction project- since the last time I posted about it has been trying to develop the protagonist concept I came up with last summer or whatever into like, a character that would feel real and era appropriate.
it's fun research to do. naturally a lot of the details I assigned to her are things that I already think are cool, so it's been a lot of fun trying to trace her traits back through the relatively recent past, getting reminded of how much things have changed, or where the gaps in my intuition are, and then doing a flurry of reading to get a sense for exactly how someone like her and the people around her could have happened and what her life was probably like leading up to her present day. hopefully this results in some good good verisimilitude.
#I wrote a short story from her perspective over the holidays and then didn't know how to continue it#and then I got distracted by real life stuff for a few months#I forget if I posted about that#and then I've been picking through archive dot org for the last few weeks looking at this stuff#the last big rabbit hole was trying to get a better feel for era appropriate ts/tv subculture#the current one I'm looking at is how she would've gotten into language learning and how that would've worked#nettle has been prodding me about the setting thing lately so I've been thinking about that more too#probably the biggest hurdle by far is figuring out how I want to play that#and how I want the thing to be divided up#since the original coc scenario I'm developing this out of is centered on a flight from LA to honolulu#and the airport dungeon was definitely meant to be a hook for a larger campaign#some amount of it is going to cover protag lady's failed life in LA and some of it is going to be worse things happening in hawaii#but it's like. how much do I want to balance it one way or the other#and realistically how much does the aesthetics of 20th century air travel add to the story#besides me personally thinking it's compelling ofc#a lot of what I find compelling about hawaii is that it's an east/west cultural crossroads and realistically that's also true of socal#and I can wax poetic about socal as much as I want without worrying all that much about mishandling something#and there's also a lot of socal specific history along similar parallels to pull from that I'm more familiar with#I guess it comes down to whether curiosity re: 'doing it right' is enough of a motivator to do the increased amount of research#which I guess it has so far with the above character details. so hopefully that will continue#but it also feels like using machine translation a bit yknow. it's hard to know how effectively I'll be able to sanity check#although depending on where this goes I might be able to get other people involved to sensitivity read down the line#with most of the creative things I do I just have a tendency to always rely really heavily on figuring things out myself#I also want protag lady to have a Cool Car and idk how to get that from point a to point b narratively#this is like an entire second or third post's worth of tags but I don't feel like unfucking this so whatever. suffer. I guess.
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Mad Doctor of Blood Island (Tomb of the Living Dead, 1969)
"You are quite mad."
"Then you should be very careful, doctor. Both of you. Mad people can be quite unpredictable."
#mad doctor of blood island#tomb of the living dead#horror imagery#filipino cinema#video nasty#1969#eddie romero#gerardo de leon#reuben canoy#john ashley#angelique pettyjohn#ronald remy#alicia alonzo#ronaldo valdez#tita muñoz#tony edmunds#alfonso carvajal#bruno punzalan#edward murphy#tito arevalo#unarguably a pretty bad film but not without its own unlikely charm‚ as John Ashley's beautifully sculpted hair and sharp suits help him#investigate a bad case of Monstrous Green Man running riot on a beautiful island in the Philippines. performances are wooden‚ fx are as#ropey as expected‚ and the script is mostly dreadful (excepting a few isolated scenes which transcend into a kind of wonderful weirdness‚#particularly any scenes between Alicia Alonzo and Ronald Remy‚ where they dispassionately discuss the nature of love‚ madness and death#or trade threats in utter calmness). for a late 60s film the levels of gore‚ sex and nudity are surprisingly high tho tempered by the#director's irritating habit of rapidly zooming in and out during any moment of grue. oh and a very real tw that this contains some needless#and horrible animal cruelty (presumably what got this on the DPP list) altho it's brief and easily excised so maybe there exist cuts of the#film without those scenes. altho this is admittedly a little dull beneath the grotesquerie and a fairly badly made bit of cheapo indie#schlock so probably not really worth chasing down that imaginary cruelty free cut (unless you're a freak trying to watch every video nasty)#(i am that freak)
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me every time i remember we're getting married
#he mentioned the ring again today so im not gonna be normal for a bit#auaauauauuauaua husband and wiiiiife :D im gonna be his wiiiiiiife and hes gonna be my husbaaaand#im so glad things are going well in my life rn but even if they werent i would probably still feel amazing bc im marrying this fuckin guy!!!#ever since the beginning its felt like we're meant to be together and now we're actually going to be Together#i try not to talk about him at all times even though i want to cause i dont want to be annoying(i.e. i hope jakey dies) but like#he genuinely is such a wonderful person and hes so kind and protective with the people he loves#hes so smart and has a lot of passion in the things he does and hes always trying to be better despite how shit things have been lately#i love this man more than i thought was ever possible and he loves me just the same. he's for real my dream come true#and now hes saving up to get me a ring 😭 im the luckiest girl alive bc HOWWW did i find him HERE of all places#:))))))))) my nyquil triple strength gummies are probably about to kick in so im gonna leave it here and go to bed#but augh i love him so much its so crazy to me that he exists and hes mine and im his. everything is worth it bc i have him
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Hey, do you got doctors appointments you need to schedule but haven’t for whatever dumb reason (for me, laziness. probably. no no, complacency. That sounds better)? Well, go do it! Now! or soon! You need to just hurry up and schedule that shit! I’m sorry! Make the call! You gotta! You’re probably gonna have to wait multiple weeks for the appointment anyway, so if you wait until the problem is really bad, then you’re just condemning yourself to waiting extra long to get checked out. Jeez!
#this is mostly directed at me#still having breathing issues#it maaaaay be related to sinus issues. I don’t think that’s entirely it but it’s worth a shot#My sinuses have been messed up for so so long and it’s killing me and I just now set up an ENT appointment#so now. good job at making the appointment. but now you gotta wait 2.5 weeks just for the initial check-in#I just want someone to stick a lil camera up my nose and see why my lil holes always feel so swollen 🥺#my poor lil holes 🥺#but I’ll probably have the initial meeting and then if I can convince them to scope me out that’ll take a bit to schedule. probably.#been having breathing issues lately which you may have noticed if you skimmed any of my recent flood of text posts#went looking back through old head scan reports and and saw some mentions of nasal polyps and blockage#that of course no one ever mentioned at the time#and I’ve always suspected that my sinuses might be deviated or have growths or whatever bc breathing was never my strong suit#but maybe it’s nothing 🤷🏻♂️#but maybe it’s something. that’s the thing. I should have looked into this before it got bad#I have a real bad issue with complacency#life doesn’t even have to be GOOD. as long as I can live and not be stressed and be lazy I will 99% of the time just do nothing#hence… why my life is like… this. uneventful. sad. bare minimum of an existence.#this is getting too existential and self-deprecating#I don’t know what I’m going to do for 2.5 weeks. stressful.#I know it won’t fix all of my problems. not my MAIN issues. but doing SOMETHING is not nothing. especially if it takes the edge off#too many tags#you can ignore this#just go make that phone call!#I’d make it for you if I could!#text
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#my posts#...........................................................................................................................................#............................................................................................................................................#is that enough i think that's enough#yeah that's how its going#everything's been getting worse and I've been feeling very bad but also very pathetic and like complaining almost makes me feel worse but#i can't do anything else about this so like. vent post lmao bc I'm a dumbass#i truly just want to(redacted)but one of those isn't an option and the other i have a drs appointment soon and i don't want to explain that#everything is just. bad. and what isn't i feel like it's getting bad and it's my fault. and I'm probably right.#just. i hate it here#the deserving mentality is truly getting to me and i fucking hate it. it's not logical. I'll still agree with it.#i truly don't deserve the food stuff i can't keep in my life and i deserve the shit that in getting and i can't stop agreeing with that#'oh this classmate wants to have lunch with me on Saturday after working on something! i should cancel before it's too late-#-so i can continue feeling bad for being an apple bc people should hate me bc I'm horrible and don't deserve kindness' like#it's. it's false. it's not logical. and yet#everyone else there's the fucking plexiglass wall and where it wasn't i think it's getting formed and it is my fault probably#i am annoying that one is true#.... I've been making posts like this all day and deleting them bc I'm pathetic also. it's.#... there's a little too much going on lmao#nothing's worth it and i feel like shit and anything i could try to do about it doesn't work and I'm just tired#... in case someone does read this i know it sounds worrying but nothing will happen tbh I'm just a pathetic coward who's sad and tired#and tired of being sad in a way that feels like it's getting worse#I'm not very sure when was the last time i felt. this bad in just. i don't know how to make it stop lmao#also in already annoying so this is all i can do i think lmao#i think I'm seeing now I'm just. being redundant and if i keep this up too much i will delete this. and i should but. i don't think i will#also without saying much this year the one thing™ has been worse than usual and that's not helping either so it truly is just.#that everything is kinda very bad#.... yeah. whatever. it's just.¯\_(ツ)_/¯#... i truly wish killing myself was still an option like when i was a teen bit it's not so i just have to deal with whatever this is#... i hate being aware this is all super illogical bc the logical post of my brain teams up making me feel worse somehow.
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i am a little worried about you Princess. are you ok?
#I’m doing….. okay??????#I love my new job so that’s great#I get to be with puppies all day#have to do a lot of cleaning but they are worth it 🫶#but my depression and anxiety have been baaaaaaad lately#I have a few ideas why my depression has been rough lately#but that doesn’t make it any easier#I want to work and be with dogs all day every day but I can’t work thaaaat much (only part time)#also it doesn’t pay amazingly unfortunately so I’ll probably have to find another job on top of it#especially with my 26th birthday coming A LOT faster than I’d like#I’ve had to do a lot of cleaning and packing which is completely fair since my parents want to have people over for the holidays#totally totally fair#but it’s also sad cause I have to box up a lot of my stuff/hobbies#like I boxed up practically all of my painting stuff since idk when I’ll be able to do that again#my room is jam packed with shit so I’ve only been home to sleep#spend the rest of the time in the car but it’s not really mine so I can’t smoke in here so half of the time I fall asleep#idk idk idk I just feel like I’m complaining all the damn time so I’m trying to shut up and keep it to myself a bit#it’s just the same thing over and over again and nothing is gonna change unless I move#and that’s incredibly unrealistic right now#also I’m worried about my dad more and more each day so that doesn’t help#I want to do something with him or for him but our relationship hasn’t been the best and idk how to fix it#and I’m terrified something is going to happen and I won’t be able to#oooofda that was a lot#and that was only a little bit of what’s going on#but at least I have a job now so that’s cool haha#sometime I’ll have to show you guys some puppy pics I have so many now haha#thanks for checking in lovely#I hope you’ve been doing ok 🫶#ask
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oh my god i can’t decide what to do with my time today
#Seven.txt#writing stuff#video stuff#it’s Sunday so i need to log into Genshin and do my weeklies and i also need to grind for primos to yoink Yelan’s C1 before Tuesday#but i also need to record that so it’ll have to be done later once the house is quiet but i also need to record Lyney’s story quest but#then i also want to record Kaeya’s hangout but i also need to see what events are ending soon but i also need to do other non game stuff#like i need to finish going thru my backlog of likes on here and i need to answer asks and i need to work on drafted posts#and i have GOT to start working on ES Ch.4 to get that up by my self-imposed deadline soon but i’m recording that so i can only work on it#early in the mornings or late in the evenings but i also wanna finish this one-shot i’m working on for Dew and get it up on here soon#and that’s easier cause i’m not recording it but if i work on it today that’s not the best use of my time when it’s SUNDAY so it’s GENSHIN#DAY but i don’t FEEL like playing genshin rn i wanna WRITE ugh#but i’ve also got Ao3 comments awaiting a reply and i need to get a few things updated over there and i wanna work on This Is Unconditional#but i don’t have the TIME for that right now and i’ve got a bunch of messages that need replying to and a many hours of videos to edit#and i slept bad bc Nightmares so i just wanna eat and take a nap but that’s such a waste of time and uuuuugh idk man#So Many Creative Endeavors So Little Time#*collapses onto the floor in a frustrated heap*#okay. deep breath. i think. i’m gonna go work on banging out the rest of Hold On to Something bc that’s nearly fully written anyways#and i am Dying to get it out of my system bc Ghost Band fixation u know#i at least wanna get the draft done. i’ll edit/post it another day#then i’ll probably hop on genshin for a bit and do the bare minimum (i only need like 15 more pulls worth so even if i don’t grind and have#to swipe its nbd) and then i’ll hopefully be able to record the first writing session for ES ch.4 later this evening!!!#‘cause good god i wanna get that fic back into production. i miss working on it it’s just so hard to get started again#okay enough rambling. gonna go make Bullet’s lunch and get myself some lemonade. then i shall work
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